Category — Self Renovation| Renewal

Wow, is June over already? That went by kinda fast. That means it is the end of my self imposed Shred Hell (that wasn’t all that hellish) and it’s on to something new! First a teensy review.

The Shred was not at all as bad as people made it out to be… but it WAS difficult and it does work some parts of your body that may have never been worked before. I did 10 days of Level 1 and stayed the rest of the month at Level 2. I dropped the 30 day commitment after about day 15, knowing full well that

a) I would not be doubling up on workouts to make up for days missed

and.

2) I would not still be doing the Shred even one second into July.

So, I decided to just do it until the month was over. My last Shred workout was Saturday, because on Monday I decided that near constant working out since May was CRAZY and I took a few days off to gear up for July.

Also in June I added a bit of cardio. This is because while the Shred is intense, it is mainly a strength conditioning program. I did see changes in my body and in endurance and what I could handle and for how long (check me out, I can do jumping jacks, now!), but 6 minutes of cardio just wasn’t enough to burn the kind of fat I was seeing during Walk It Out. I needed cardio to turn the flame up a little, so I added about 25 minutes of The Firm Fat Burning workout, or the Intro workout from Cardio Barre, and then did the Shred. And then passed out.

In July, I want to get back to a focus on cardio. I have a lot of fat to burn. A lot of that fat is on my hips and thighs. I want it GONE. It shall be GONE.  July is going to be about bringing back my walks (I’ve missed my daily music and dancing down the street) and doing Cardio Barre. These workouts get my heart rate going, plus help me build strong, long, lean legs (snort– as long and lean as a squatty, very curvy woman can be). Even if my legs are covered in dimply fat, I want the muscles underneath to be strong. Plus, I just really like the workout… sweat sweat sweat. Barre Thighs are my nemesis. I will conquer them.

I was toying with doing a schedule, but I don’t need no stinking schedule. I tend to not want to do things if they’re scheduled. If I plan meals, I suddenly don’t want to eat them as planned. If I plan my clothing, I suddenly don’t want to wear that. Likewise, planning my workouts makes me not want to do it.  I did, though, do well when I committed to a certain number of days in a row, and then a certain number of days off, like 4 days on, 2 days off, 4 days on, 2 days off. Yes, I know that doesn’t equal 7 days… it just keeps me from counting how many workouts I’ve done this week so I can talk myself out of working out.

I am sneaky like that.

I normally do my monthly updating on the 20th, for no good reason, so I’ll save all weights and measurements until then. I WILL say 2 things:

1. On June 1, I was 245. My weigh in on Tuesday was 236.8. That’s a loss of 8.2 lbs. SMASHING. I’m SO HAPPY with that.

2. YES TIFFANY, I GOT A TAPE MEASURE. I’ll be measuring starting July 1 and updating those numbers on the 20th going forward as well.

I want to say thanks to everyone who reads these pages and offers up their cheers and hugs and ideas kudos. Keep ‘em comin’. Yes EVA, that means you and those pom pom’s!

I also might have changed my reward for when I get under 230, but I’m not going to say what it is until I get there. I hear that being mysterious is sexy, so. There ya go.

BTW, I am really liking my shape lately. A Lot. I am remembering that I was about this size when I met FK. The other day I thought how weird it would be if I saw him. What would he say? Would I be disappointed that I didn’t look as glam and fab as I’d like to? You know, how they say the best revenge is living well?

And then my head hurt, so I had to stop thinking about that.

But I might be of a mind to dip my toe into some dating waters soon. Maybe. We’ll see.

Ciao, lovers and lovees. See ya tomorrow!

Yesterday was a good day. Despite the fact that I was sleepy all day, and then it rained HARD just as I was leaving the office,  it was a really good day.  Rain in the south is a phenomenon. I am used to northwest rain, where it kind of sprinkles. It’s light and fresh and you dance in it and you might bring an umbrella if you think about it. Here? Naw. The heavens DUMP. From the building to my car, I was out in it for about a minute… I was soaked to my bra. Seriously, it’s like being in the shower. Took me awhile to get used to rainy nights in Georgia.

So, I had a hair appointment last night. I went to see my fave hair person ever, Liz from JCJD Salon. She hooked me up with some relaxer (my hair snapped a comb in two pieces yesterday, that’s how rough it was) and I got my usual wash, rollerset, and blowout. I always leave the salon feeling beautiful. And someone just told me my hair was bouncy. LOVE.

I feel like I ate a lot yesterday but the scale didn’t show it. I even had BBQ sauce on my chicken at lunch, and some baked beans. And then I had some bbq potato chips. SHHHHH. Those aren’t lowcarb! I ended up not eating dinner until 10, because I got home and had to do my walk before I could eat. By then I was STARVING and so hungry I was shaking. I had chili and a baked potato. It was DELICIOUS.  Bceause I ate so late and so…..carby…. I was determined to not weigh this morning because when I added up my calories I was somewhere in the 1500 range.  But I’m sort of on automatic by this point and I got on anyway. Didn’t hurt a bit, according to the scale. YAY. Not going to tempt fate twice though. I am going out tonight with Sarah and MJoy and I am going to be good. I think.

OOH! And theeeennnn. A week or so ago I entered a contest to win a dress on my friend SkinnyEmmie’s blog from Fashion To Figure. Uh. I WON! The dress came yesterday and it’s GORGEOUS. I thought I was ordering a size that I’d have to shrink into. It’s a 1X, their smallest size, which according to their conversion chart is a US 14/16. Uhm…I don’t know about all of that  because I am pretty sure if I go to a store and try on a dress I will be in an 18, but… IT FIT. I mean, I need suitable foundation garments because it’s a halter top and these girls do not go without support EVER and I also need to reign in the belly but it FIT and it doesn’t even cling! I can’t wait to wear it!  I’ve wanted a maxi dress for forever. Damn my short stature, I am wearing what I want to wear. Exciting!

Found out yesterday that my boss AND the CFO will be out of town next week. It will be SO QUIET. I will be able to get SO MUCH done.  Really looking forward to that. And having some time to maybe finish reading A Reliable Wife and start the other book I bought about being in the Witness Protection Program. Oh, and writing. But you know, I always make grand plans and end up doing nothing. Lemme shut up about what I’m gonna do………and just do it.

Ya know?

Quick and dirty, because it is FUN TUESDAY and so I have reports to get out. I did not do a Healthy You post today because I am on the tail end of girly time and I refuse to report an inflated number due to water weight gain. I am going to give myself a few days (or skip it altogether, this week) to adjust. I know it is inflated because it has been pretty low the last week and then suddenly jumped up 3 lbs over the last 2 days. I swear, my body knows when it is weigh in time. It always chooses Monday night to jump up!

[EDIT]: I am adding this here to expound on my methodology:

I do what I have to do make sure the pounds keep going in the downward direction. I have conditions that I have to take into consideration like sugars and starches in addition to fats. It’s not a matter of Put The Fork Down, Eat Less, Move More, no matter what “people” say, because when I track my calories I am barely reaching 1000. I have to TRY to hit 1200.

There is a delicate balance that I have to strike with near precision. My body is pretty sensitive to certain things. Sometimes I eat things and my body goes IN. SANE. I need to know what that something is when I eat it, not wonder a week or two later.

I have to weigh everyday. I don’t record it everyday, and if it’s up, it’s up. If it’s down, YAHOO! Extra pounds DO count if they don’t come off after Girly Time is over. That means that it’s not water, it’s actual poundage that I have to take back off. It’s easier for me to track how I am doing when I consider an average over X days than if I play Russian Roulette and hop on a scale once a week and not have ANY clue why that number is higher. Or lower! What did I do that week, so I can do it again!?

Certain foods affect my body in a certain way. If I am way up all of a sudden, I need to be able to go through my day and determine what it was that I ate to cause that to happen. For sure it is water fluctuation due to sodium or sugar, or working out. Or nothing. But I need to be able to analyze that with a controlled amount of data. If I am 2-3+ days past what I ate, I have NO IDEA what it was that made me fluctuate so wildly. Then I get overwhelmed and then I am DONE and I have a piece of cake.

For an official, weekly weigh in, a number that is going to stick somewhere for a week, I won’t use an inflated number. I maintain my weight best, EVEN during girly time (because I know what an average gain due to water weight looks like vs. a gain due to something that might have had sugar or sodium and I didn’t realize it), by weighing everyday.

Sorry if I was not clear as to why I do it the way I do it but it DOES work for me.

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Walk It Out is going superfantastically. I actually FEEL it in my body. WOO. My Sunday walk kind of still hurts. Yesterday we were having another Storm of the Century, with flooding and such, so I did a 15min Walk Away the Pounds program online. WHOA. I was actually dripping sweat when I finished! Didn’t walk this morning, will walk this afternoon. Want to shake it up a little bit I guess. Eating is fine, though I need to watch my carbs much MUCH closer. My goal is 60-100 carbs a day and I am eating almost twice that. UHM, could that be a reason I am not seeing as much of a loss as I want to see?

MAYBE.

I am using an app for the iPod/iPhone called LoseIt. Pretty neat, it lets me track my food and activity and compare it to my goal. My calories, etc adjust depending on how active I am and how much food I am taking in. At first it gave me like 1600 calories and I laughed. I can’t eat that much food! I get a daily and a weekly report, but it only really works if I track all my food, which I’m not all that good at, but I track enough to see that I am a bit too loose on my splurges and I need to pull it back some. I do subtract fiber from carbs to get net carbs. Even so, the count is too high.

Lifewise, things are good! I cannot complain a bit. I’ve been more social and am trying to take advantage of opportunities to get out of the house.  I’d love to get back to meetup but it seems every group I have interest in (book clubs and social groups, etc)  requires annual dues. It’s just such a turn off, to me. I’ve paid probably $20 in dues to groups I’m no longer a part of. If I decide to take on a Meetup group, that comes with full understanding that there is a fee to maintain it. I understand not everyone donates to defray the cost but… a fee to be a part of a group smacks of paying for friends and I just can’t do it. Okay, won’t do it.

So. Also. I think I am not going the roommate route. Becky came to stay with me last weekend and it was so awesomely fun– we had a great time being single girls- which was great because we love each other. I think I have discovered though that my apartment seems big but it may just be too small for two people. Especially two people that don’t really know each other, or might be uncomfy. In addition, there’s no provision in my lease for a short term sublet. Everytime someone moves in or out, I have to sign a new lease. For a $30 raise in rent? Pain in my patoot. I need another way to make a little cash. But I’m totally lazy, so that probably won’t happen either.

I feel like once I get a handle on things like my cell phone bill and my power bill and other stuff that totally inflated over the winter and I stop buying food out all the time, I will recoup some money. I dunno. Gotta do something. I make great money and always feel like I don’t have any.

That wasn’t quick OR dirty. Buh. Reports. I’m out like a light bulb,

Hola blog people!

First of all, your friendly world…no, country…. no… East Coast? No. We’ll go with North Carolina traveler. Your friendly North Carolina traveler is home from her first business trip! Weee! I love the quarterly meetings. It’s always nice to see the staff in one room, though I like it best when they come to Atlanta. It’s like all the kids coming home. It’s so busy and I love it. Jacksonville is very pretty and very homey. Small town atmosphere… it was great but I am HAPPY to be home because GOOD.NESS! Traveling takes a lot out of me. I’m still tired and hoping to get out of here early today since only bossman and I decided to come to work today.

I have an exciting weekend ahead! Okay, exciting for me. I’m hoping to get to the salon today because ye Gods, my hair needs help. Also because I want to look SUPERCUTE tomorrow at 10Am when I meet Dave Bromstad from ColorSplash on HGTV. HOT. SOUP. He says that all the time. He’s just the most, to say the least. Incredibly talented artist/designer, cute as all get out (ARMS) and way personable. He’ll be in town this weekend and I entered to win and WON A SEAT. I never win anything! HUZZAH!

Sunday I am attending the Metropolitan Cooking and Entertainment Expo where I will be letting Bobby Flay sneer at me from mere feet away. I hope he cooks something! Last year I saw Tyler Florence, Paula Deen and The Neely’s. All were EXCELLENT, very entertaining. This year I was really only interested in paying money to see Bobby, and I wasn’t going to go but I got a Groupon (dude, if you’re not on these GET ON THEM!! for serious! ) for 50% off. Couldn’t resist, so I am going! *clap*

On the non celebrity front, Saturday is my first day of Walk It Out. Gearing up for that! I’m not ready but I will be. I am thinking about my playlist today, gonna pull it together and put it on the old iPod tonight. I have to either walk EARLY in the morning or in the afternoon cause my thing with Hotpants Bromstad is at 10am. OY and VEY. No sleeping in. As if I ever sleep in, anymore.

I also want to see if I can get into an Imax movie at the Fernbank. I like weather movies and documentaries and there is one on tornados that I kind of want to see. If I don’t get an appointment at the salon I’ll probably go tonight. If not I’ll catch it Sunday maybe.

I’m a little behind on some writing committments as well but the projects just aren’t speaking to me. I am excited about the Critique_this_Whip FlirtFest (I had to write a scene in which someone flirts -FUN!), which I’ve already written my piece for. It’s the other two plus my longtastic epic that I haven’t updated or written. Maybe while I walk I’ll be inspired!

On a more serious tip, I was reading a post this morning by a blogger who goes by BitchCakes. First, she’s a gorgeous gorgeous glamour girl– she has a very sophisticated style that takes you back to old Hollywood, almost. Anyway. She was talking about that Intervention episode with the Bulemic, Amy. If you haven’t seen that, you can watch it on A&E’s site HERE. It was a pretty poignant episode, and one I found hard to watch all the way through the first time.

I admit to skipping a lot of it, just because it was so difficult to watch. Not because of her suffering but because, like BitchCakes, what she said really resonated with me and reminded me so much of my own internal dialog for such a long time.

“I am worthless, useless, ugly, fat, failure, unfriendly, unbubbly, stupid. I hate, hate, hate my fat f*ing self with such a huge hatred I can’t explain it. How do I get away from me? How do I feel good? How do I stop this madness? There is such an anger boiling inside me I want to explode. F*ck you fatass. I am so fat and so ugly.”

I remember a time when I would stand in front of the mirror and hurl obsceneties and hateful language at my reflection. When I would withold food from myself and openly mock my fatness, i.e.“I’ve had quite enough to eat, don’t you think?” or “I’m not obviously missing any meals.” I remember as far back as Junior High and not being able to resist writing long lists of things I hated about myself or negative things I thought people thought about me. I knew, growing up, that I was not cute or pretty and I didn’t even have a ‘great personality’ to make up for my looks. Boys made sure to remind me that they had no interest and my brother, sad to say, took part in mocking me as well. I’m happy to say that’s changed, haha. He’ll gladly flatten anyone that dares step to me, now. Could have used it back then.

Watching that episode brought all that old ugly back. It hurt to think about. I just wanted to turn it off, both the program, and the thoughts in my head. I guess that’s why I have such a hard time watching that show and shows like it. I don’t think I am far enough out of it to feel like ‘oh, wow I remember those days’. You know that old saying ‘misery loves company’? Well it does. And sometimes it’s nice to wallow in the warmth of self pity. It’s actually a pretty comfortable place. It’s really easy to fall into a place and end up back there.

The hard part, and the discomfort, is doing the work to rise out of that. I’ve done that, over time. I don’t feel the way I used to feel about myself. I don’t want to go back there anymore. It saddens me that anyone lives there because it truly does suck. I don’t think anything about that episode made me think, ‘well gosh I am just so happy that I made it out of that place, wooo boy’. I think, ‘man. I could be her tomorrow’. It’s always a mere step away.

Frightening. Just something I was thinking about. Still need to process a bit. Wanted to share, though.

Gearing up to get back on track Monday with New Life Friday. I’ve determined that I want to be social this summer and I can’t do that if I’m not feeling good about myself, how I look and such. So, New Life Friday is back in full swing.

But it won’t be just diet and exercise. All work and no play makes for a boring Curvy. I want to challenge myself to really sculpt a new life– make new friends, read different kinds of books, explore things I’ve never done before. Expand my life and my very narrow view of the world. Make New Life Friday about more than trying to shed some lbs so I can meet a guy… it has to be about developing confidence in myself.

I think that every spring I try contacts and every Spring it just doesn’t work out. I still want to try because I feel like I look so much better with them. Unfortunately I don’t SEE better with them. And my eyes are so dry with them in that they irritate me. Maybe if I ease myself into them, though, I can better adjust. I don’t know.  I’m looking into it.

I’m also OVERJOYED to have found my favorite hair stylist again. I have been going to the same salon for 3 years and all of a sudden I call to make an appointment and my fave was gone! I’ve had other people doing my hair for about 9 months and it just wasn’t working out. I was desperate and took to the internet. I searched for every combination of Dominican +Salon+ the city I knew she worked in and nothing. Happened to search by her name and BINGO! I can’t believe how easy it was! I’m so happy to find her, because she knows my hair. It thrives under her care– I always love how it feels, how it smells, and how she knows it’s personality. She’s the type of person to say, ‘I don’t like how that conditioner feels on your hair’, or ‘your hair seems to be growing better lately’ because she KNOWS MY HAIR. LOVE, so HARD!

So I am going to be going back to her next week for my relaxer and then every two weeks for a shampoo, roller set and blow dry. Trying to get my hair to grow and stop breaking off. Would probably be helpful if I wrapped it at night though.

Well, I have plans to make and writing to finish. I’m off!

The years since FK have been full of those Single Girl cliches that you read about in magazines and relationship books. Traveling, having fun, cultivating friendships with women, being busy busy busy, so busy that I’m not supposed to even notice that I’ve not found The One.  Busy not looking for anyone (he always comes when you least expect it, or some other pandering bullshit), busy not having expectations, busy being fulfilled in my career, busy building a life. To say that the men I have met in those years have not managed to spark a morsel of  real interest would be an understatement.

The last dates I had were in the summer of 2008. I thought I had met a pretty cool guy. He worked at Home Depot. I LOVE Home Depot. I used to walk through the model kitchens and bathrooms in there.  We had a great first date at a cafe–Intermezzo is one of my favorite first date places. Conversation was good, so we decided to go to dinner at a nearby restaurant. He was great to talk to, told awesome stories about his time in the Army in Germany.  As he walked me to my car, he saw that I had a pair of windshield wipers in my backseat. I sheepishly admitted I just hadn’t made the time to switch out my wiper blades. He suggested we meet the next day for brunch and a walk thru the Park and he would switch them out for me.  I was excited. I kind of liked him.

We had a pretty cool 2nd date. We ate, then walked down to the park, sat on a bench in the sun and talked and fed the ducks. Laughed about our favorite movies and episodes of Family Guy. He never did switch out my wiper blades, but we had a long, full summer day together. After which he didn’t make further plans with me.

I was determined to not be daunted by that.  Meanwhile I am messaging GreenEyes like crazy. “What do you think? Does he like me? Will he ask me out again? Should I call him?” After getting a series of  ”Calm your ass down” messages from her, I relented. Go with the flow. I’m breezy!

On occaision,  he would call when he got off work, and we’d talk for a few minutes every night. Since he worked retail, his  schedule varied wildly but after a few weeks he made another date. YAY! We met at Outback t in the Perimeter, and then after lunch he invited me over to his place. I didn’t have any weird feelings about him, so I went. We ended up watching a couple of movies. He was all close and touchy feely  (hand holding and such) but didn’t try to kiss me and didn’t go for any heavy petting. Except for that, actually, he didn’t make any moves at all.

He seemed nice. I liked him. We got along, and he made me consider doing things I normally don’t do, like sit at a sports bar and watch football. There are few people I will do that with.

I invited him to my place for dinner. We watched a movie and ate. He sat all the way on the other end of the couch. Didn’t make one move. Conversation was still great, but I was already feeling the slide.  The slide to the Friend Zone.

One day we were talking and the language changed. The things he started saying,  and how he would say them, couched between ‘friend-like’ phrases. This was something I used to get on FK about, like calling me ‘buddy’. I hate being called buddy.  This guy would call me up and say, ‘Hey bud, what’s up?’ One day he decided to give me some advice on how to attract men.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if the advice didn’t start with  ”If things don’t work out with us, you should be more open to meeting new people, instead of sitting in the house all the time.”

While he was right, he pissed me off by offering the advice in the first place. If he wanted me to leave the house more often, why not invite me out? Why am I getting advice on how to attract someone besides him?  I gave up, right there. He was, to me, brushing me off, trying to pawn me off on someone else already. I stopped answering the phone when he called. Eventually he stopped calling.

This is what happens. I meet someone, it goes okay, and after a date or two, I become “the friend”.  Or we might have a few dates and the guy says,  ”I know you want to wait, but I can’t. It would be unfair of me to try to push you into doing something you don’t want to do– but we can be friends. “ Oh, thanks for playing, here’s a consolation prize! My friendship!

*flips the bird*

Dudes, I’m not trying to be your friend. I have male friends. That’s not what I was looking for with you. I can’t do the Friend Zone. I can’t be demoted from Someone Special to Someone You Know. My brain and my heart don’t work like that, and I know I shouldn’t be ‘that’ attached to people right off, but I have to really like someone to go out with him in the first place… it’s just not that easy for me.

This isn’t a traumatic, He Done Me Wrong song. I know that this is dating. This is what happens to millions of women who date. It’s a game of chance, it’s a game of numbers and it takes perseverance and a iron will to keep pushing through. Or maybe a lot of alcohol. Either way, I just wasn’t cut out for it. I felt rejected at every turn. When I asked men about why I end up there, in The Zone, I get a myriad of answers. Most of them involve sex- if I’m not giving it up, men are not interested.

I don’t understand, then, how some of my (admittedly thinner, cuter, more stylish and worldly) friends can go 4,6, 9 months of dating someone before they decide to take the step.  I feel like I offer a lot to men. I also feel like everything I offer is not enough if it doesn’t include sex on date two. Booohiiissssss.

I made the not very difficult decision to pull myself off of the market.  It was nerve wracking and my self esteem took a beating every day that I was out there. It’s hard work, being charming and open and trying to be the Right One, just in case He’s right around the corner.

I took down all my ads, stopped reading relationship books, stopped thinking about dating, talking about dating, wanting to date. I believed that I wasn’t what men were looking for. Some  said maybe my standards were too high. Maybe I was pushing them away, somewhere. I had no clue, all I knew was that what I was doing wasn’t working and I am hardly insane so I am not going to keep doing the same thing and expecting something different to happen. I didn’t like dating at all.  So I stopped doing it.

Years ago I eavesdropped on a conversation that a guy had with a girl. He mentioned that he was looking for the woman that made him do the relationship work. And then in the next sentence, said something about knowing that he could walk into a place, pick a woman, be nice to her and know that he was going home with her that night.  And that he would, because he could. All the commentary about what he wants doesn’t match what happens when his feet start walking and his nether region starts talking.

I’m so tired of lip service. I’m so tired of relationship books that tell me what to say, how to act, what to change, who to be in order to attract a man, without doing the same for our counterpart. I freely admit that I am a complicated, sometimes nutjob of a person.  Newsflash: Men are not the easiest to deal with either!

I hesitate to type this, like it’s an impossibility (sometimes I feel like it is), but I want to date. I want to return to dating, that is. I miss feeling attractive and desirable– those feelings, though fleeting, were nice when I felt them. I want to meet someone that likes me for me, that is interested in more than what I can do for him in an intimate setting, who ‘gets’ me.  I want to say ‘we’ and ‘us’  again. I only had one chance at that, with FK. It was nice.

I am really embarrassed to admit that I want to date, I want to return to my quest for The One. In fact I have held this post for awhile, simply because that sentence is there. If it was just whining and lamenting about dating, it would have been up on Tuesday.  It could be because after years of searching for it, it has eluded me, so I have insisted that I don’t want it. I don’t need it. It’s not for me. I don’t think it’ll happen for me. I don’t think I’m made that way. I don’t think men want me. I’m not the kind of girl that men are looking for. All of those phrases have left my mouth at one time or another and at the time I believe I truly meant them.

I don’t think I mean them anymore. If I do, I am tired of meaning it.

It makes me sickly nervous to even think about going on a date. I’m not the best dater anyway, but on top of that it’s been forever since I went out with someone. What will he think of me? Where would I even meet him, since the pool of viable online daters has severely dried up, here?  A quick romp through my usual haunts reveals men who’ve been there since 2005! And I know, for sure, that I am not physically ready to get back out there. I want to look and feel my best and be confident in myself. I’m decidedly not there.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t see bright eyes and a cute nose and full lips and (when I actually DO my hair) great hair and a rockin’ rack and a curvy shape. I still see that awkward, bucktoothed, blind as a bat, unfortunate looking creature that I was in my teens. It’s a picture I am trying hard to erase but even after I close my eyes against the image in the mirror, it stays in my mind’s eye. It is the picture of me inside my head, when I see myself. It is the picture of me that I think everyone sees. It’s that ‘assuming the worst that people could think about me’ and believing that and basing my whole experience on that assumption.

I don’t know how to block that image and those thoughts. I wonder do they ever go away? If I lose 100 lbs, will I still feel like a fat girl? If I got contacts and a weave, would I still feel like the ugly duckling?

If I decide to get back out there, muster up some strength and confidence and put my best foot forward and just keep pushing and keep going for it, could I still never find HIM? Could I still end up alone?

The scary part of asking those questions is that the answer could still be yes.

Post 2! Thanks for reading and commenting. Again, if you’d like to comment but you’d rather not do so in public, please feel free to email me at curvyjones[at]diaryofcurvyjones or mocahgirl[at]gmail.

At the top of this post on the right hand side you’ll see  a directory of sorts. All posts in this series will be tied together. You can view other posts in this series by clicking on the link in the directory.

This is a long entry, I apologize. I was going to cut it but decided to let it be. It’ll be here if you get tired of reading and want to come back later! ;)

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The Easy Stuff:

This is post 1 of a series of posts, simply so that people don’t have to read a thesis on my life– and neither do I, when I read back. There’s a bit of “about me” stuff floating around the Diary already but I have provided some background for better understanding. If I don’t know where I’ve come from, I won’t be able to guage where I am or where I am going.

Edit: My mom sent me an email tonight to tell me that my dad is in town. Until the 10th. >insert blank stare here< I decided to go ahead and post this so that I can appropriately freak out tomorrow and people will have more of an idea of why I am freaking out.

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Well, I jinxed myself last week. That’s that thing where you say something hardly ever happens and the second you get it out of your mouth, it starts happening.

Saturday, I woke up with a headache. How does one wake up with a headache? I don’t know.  Typically,  a headache means that

• I’ve been wearing a pony tail too long (tension);
• I need to change my glasses prescription;
• I haven’t eaten (or I’ve eaten the wrong thing, i.e. sugar);
• I haven’t slept enough.

Dissecting my Friday, I remember that I had  sugar (puts a hex on IT guy who brings Dunkin every Friday), and dinner was really light,  and I may have skipped breakfast and lunch, so that was probably the culprit. I know, I’m bad. I’m flogging, I’m flogging. I woke up at 6am with a light drum beating against my temple. My stomach was already twisting and I hadn’t even sat up yet. Unfortunately, I had recently finished the bottle of pain reliever I had a few weeks ago and never bought another bottle because I don’t get headaches, right?

Wrong. Poundy. Poundy. Poundy.

I had to get up and toss on some clothes and drive down to the convenience store on the corner and get some drugs. I looked for candy coated Advil, Sarah, but I didn’t see them. I don’t know if they’re different from regular coated Advil, which is what I got.  Candy coated would have put a smile on my face, I’m just saying. They probably have them at Kroger but either Kroger I could choose from are ghetto enough without going there before the sun is even up. I bought a little bottle so when I next grocery shop (in the daylight) I’ll look for those. In a BIG ASS BOTTLE. As far as pills go, Advil aren’t that bad. They go down smoothly and for future reference, don’t stink.

I have a point, I promise.

So, as I stumbled out of the store into the pre-dawn glow of morning with my plastic bag containing a single serving bowl of Cheerios (heeee!) and my meds in one hand and a piping hot cup of gas station coffee in the other, I recognized a sound that sent my spirits soaring.  In the trees behind the store, there were birds. A LOT of birds. And they were loud, all Chirpy McChirpersons at 6:30 in the morning. I didn’t think anything of it at first, until I went to get into my car and my head was POUNDY and the birds were CHIRPY and then I thought……. wait… birds! Chirping! That means… that means… wait don’t tell me….that must mean spring is on the way!

HUZZAH!

YOU GUYZ. I can’t wait! Spring and summer are my fave seasons ever, but spring in Atlanta (you know, before the pollen hits) is just about the most gorgeous time of year, except for fall, when the leaves start to turn. It’s when I am most in love with this city and feel so blessed and lucky to be here. It’s been such a long, hard, cold winter. I can’t wait for it to be gone!

I am ready for brunch on restaurant patios and a Caramel High Rise from Caribou Coffee on Peachtree while I sit outside and tally the number of Mercedes Benz that drive by. I want to sit out by the pool (which I never do but I can, if I want) and read.  I want leisurely walks through Piedmont while I watch people run their their dogs, and push their babies in strollers, and watch shirtless roller bladers pretend they’re really out there for exercise and not just showing off that they’re shirtless, and get all ‘haughty’ that they have to skate around me.  And I want to feed the ducks!

I’m ready to be social and get out and about. I’m ready to shake off winter and enjoy the sunshine. Bring. It. ON.

*claps* So excited!

In other news, I spent the weekend dissecting our health plan. We just switched providers  Feb 1, and I just knew my company was going to go uber cheap and not pay for anything worth covering. To my surprise, mental health benefits are covered. When I last researched therapy, the cost  was $119/hr and I did not have mental health benefits. Uhm. I will stay slightly mad for that price, really. So I’ve been waiting, and it’s been a couple of years since I seriously looked at it and I am pleased with my findings. I did some research on doctors near me and cross referenced ratings and backgrounds at healthgrades.com. Quite helpful. I feel a little more informed and I now have a short list to choose from.

All that’s left is to make the appointment.

*Procrastinates*

So, this guy walks into a bar…

Ha, no seriously. I have a list. It is handy. When I am ready, I will call. I feel like I want to focus on a couple of things first and figure out where I am and where I want to go.  If I don’t, I will feel lost and that’s frustrating to me. I’m very much a preparer and an organizer. Things have to be ‘just so’ or I can’t deal. Things aren’t quite ‘just so’ yet.

I may be writing a series of posts that seem really self involved, because they’re for me. I need to say some things to myself. Remind myself of things. Figure some stuff out.  As I’ve mentioned a few times, a few things have been swirling around in my mind and I need to find a way to put them into words.

And as long as I’m paying for the webspace, may as well get good use out of it.  Welcome to the Freakshow. Try the veal, it’s delicious!

I normally try to end the week on a high note– it’s Friday, after all!  I will most definitely be looking forward to 4:59:59 and getting the heck outta dodge until 8 am Monday morning, but something that came through the grapevine has made me stop and think about a few things. I felt a need to try to organize my thoughts and since that’s what this here blog is for, I’m gonna go for it !!

I don’t know if it’s the new spring season that seems to be taking its own sweet time coming (at least in Atlanta, where it’s nearly unheard of to still be in the 30′s in February), but it seems like much of the Blogosphere is talking about doing some Spring Cleaning of the Mind. Tex posted yesterday about Better Living Through Chemistry. Green Eyes and I have been chatting about changes we want to make to better ourselves. I had an enlightening conversation last night with a twiend, Wildchild, about the recurring theme of self discovery and how that leads to choosing a mate and being the right one for someone else, as well as realizing that the thrill is gone and it’s time to move on, not desperately hanging on to what we have because we don’t want to be alone.

Last evening, while avoiding doing things I said I’d do,  S sent up a link to the Chicago Sun Times and Roger Ebert’s blog. He shared his behind-the-scenes thoughts on a recent article in Esquire Magazine. Both pieces were great, and tear inducing but not in a sad way. He spoke about Gene Siskel (whom I still miss- Ebert and Roper just never caught on for me), his illness, his life, his dedicated and cherished wife.

My first reaction was shock at the photo covering one entire page, because I was unaware that Ebert was ill. As the writer from Esquire, Chris Jones, so eloquently put it, “Ebert is dying in increments, and he is aware of it.” Four years after losing his lower jaw and the ability to speak to cancer, Ebert is still at work. He continues to write. He still watches movies, still reviews them. Still tells us the good parts without spoiling the film. He’s still detailed and precise, splicing a film almost scene by scene, seeking a deeper meaning, analyzing technique, drawing out the story. His notepad and pen, keyboard and mouse have become that authoritative voice I think of when I picture film critics. Well, that and Jon Lovitz but that’s a whole another post.

I think what always amazes me about survivors is their spirit. If I get a hangnail, I am sure to whine about it for as long as I can milk it. I sprained my ankle — badly– last year and I will still complain about it, if you give me space and opportunity. Ebert doesn’t seem to be at the place I would be, after losing my jaw. It seemed like he just went back to work. There were movies to watch and critiques to write, and Ebert went back to work.

Something really struck me, in Ebert’s blog and was the brainchild of today’s post. He writes, “Resentment is allowing someone to live rent-free in a room in your head… If we think we have physical imperfections, obsessing about them is only destructive. Low self-esteem involves imagining the worst that other people can think about you. That means they’re living upstairs in the rent-free room.”

Can I just say that that sentence brings tears to my eyes? What a statement. Low self esteem involves imagining the worst that other people can think about you. He just put into words my entire thought process on a daily basis. I call it ‘being realistic’. It makes me wonder how many times a day I look at myself and do just that. Imagine the worst. And then say it first because if I say it, it doesn’t hurt as bad when/if others do.

My head is full of squatters. People living rent free in rooms, taking up all the space and using up all the hot water and making a mess and running out of paper towels and not replacing them and leaving like, a swallow of milk in the jug and putting it back in the refrigerator. They’re rude and inconsiderate and dirty. They need to get the eff out.

I didn’t used to be that way. There was a time when I thought I was hot stuff.  I met the Ex when I was feeling really good about myself. I was happy and whole and a complete person before I met him. He was the icing on the cake that was my life. I had a good time with him, and as we got to know each other and I let myself dream of being able to say ‘we’ and ‘us’ and ‘our’, my self esteem soared because I thought someone else thought I was awesome, too. I saw what others saw in me. I thought what others thought about me — the best, not the worst.

I had a whole post here about him and being with him and how I was devastated when I figured out that he didn’t think I was awesome, and it was just as I thought, men don’t want me,   and my self esteem hit the can and hasn’t been seen since, and how I’m not the woman I used to be, and it’s all his fault, dammit. But this isn’t about being attractive to a man, really. This isn’t about wanting to meet someone who’s ready to meet someone and skipping off into the sunset.

This is about all aspects of life. Who my friends are. Who I surround myself with. The people I know. The people that I let know me. The people I let love me and the people I love back. I’ve been thinking a lot about these things the last few days and the posts from the Blogosphere have my mind absolutely reeling with new viewpoints and thoughts to consider, to a point that I’ve been trying to articulate them all week and my words are failing me. I am trying to make sense of what I need to do and want to do and things I have to decide in order to move forward and my mind is in such a jumble that I can’t figure it out.

Is t normal to want to be happy and not know how the hell to get there?

The discussion I had last night is weighing heavily on me. I am going to have to do something I hate doing, be something I hate being– vulnerable. It’s a dirty word, in my book. My walls are high and thick and go six feet underground and six feet over my head.  I don’t let myself get hurt. I shy away from anything that makes me think real thoughts and feel real feelings. I don’t know how I can be a real person, though without doing that work, knowing myself, liking myself. Which leads to happiness. Happiness (not just pleasure, which is fleeting) leads to being able to choose the person that is right for me, figuring out what I need and asking for it, being ready to accept someone in my life and accept that someone could think I’m awesome.

It also means  that I could achieve other goals I’ve set for myself. I could let myself believe that I have talent and skill and I could be published somewhere, someday. I could stop looking at other people and what they’re doing and comparing myself to them and trying to gauge if I am successful or not. I call this Keeping My Eyes On My Own Paper, something I am struggling with , lately.  I can’t be jealous when people get what I want. People work at what they want. They go for it. They don’t imagine the worst that other people can think about them and then accept it as truth and act on it, instead of a completely different reality.

Do not get me wrong. I am living a great life.  I’m living the best life I’ve ever lived and having a ball, truly. I just know that I can do better. I can think better and live better and do better and feel better.

Maybe it’s time for some Spring Cleaning in my mind. Push the squatters out and make the place all shiny and spruced up. Gotta make room for happiness and joy and a positive thought life. And good self esteem.

I hope all of my readers, even the  378 people searching for blackberries who found my weird post on all the blackberries I’ve owned, have a fantastically wonderful weekend. I’m going to try not to blog this weekend. Instead I am going to work on a piece I am trying to submit to a short story archive and maybe spend some time in the Self Help section at Barnes & Noble.

I know, I know. I want to cut myself for even thinking about it. I promise not to buy a book by Dr. Phil.

Maybe.

A quickie, because I want to blog but I actually spent the last few hours writing (*tosses confetti*) so I don’t really want to look at the computer much longer.

I don’t know what the block was and I don’t know that it has fully moved it’s ass out of the way of my mojo, but I was able to get a little over 4,000 good, keepable words in, today. Yay. I normally don’t go into too much detail about writing here since I have a writing blog for that but I think it may have had something to do with a big decision that I made this week. It will require some drastic changes in part of my life but I am ready for them. I feel light and at peace with the decision that I made– and apparently that was really good for my creativity.

Woot!

It’s Thursday.

I decided last week that I was going to do confessions on Thursday, and I was even trying to gather up some funny ones to mix in with my ‘that’s real, yo’ words of truth and wisdom. But really? I’m just not feeling it today.

I had long, cold, kind of bad day. Not a bad work day, but some personal things came up, and I just checked out. My heart is kind of heavy and my mood isn’t very light, and this is not the mood I need to be in to do this post justice. So, I will work on climbing over the mountain and will hopefully return to Confessions Thursday next week.

I also realize I’ve not really made a post in February. I’m sort of slacking everywhere, aren’t I? I’ve been in a bit of a personal and creative slump. I’m hoping that I’ll be above water, soon. I was just saying, this morning, that I wish I could go on a writing vacation. Just me and my thoughts and the laptop. Peace and quiet and I could concentrate. Might be a good idea. I’d do it Valentine’s Day weekend but, clearly I’m going to be busy being a single loser that weekend, so… I’m all booked up.

Soon, though.

I have recently been trying to clean up my act– physically, emotionally, financially. Not to brag, but I make pretty good money for a young single gal living in a sprawling metropolis. I have a nice, new apartment, drive a late model car, have high thread count sheets and I wear Tiffany (thanks Green Eyes– she has a light Tiffany habit. I benefit from it. Hell no, I ain’t doin’ no Intervention!). I have a family that loves me, and on occasion, when I can get my brother on the phone, a close relationship with my sibling. Joe and I were pretty close, too. So, I live a pretty good life, which is why I feel weird complaining, but hey. When things are outta whack, they’re outta whack.

So I couldn’t figure out why, at the end of the money, I had more month! I was spending it on SOMETHING, besides living expenses. I don’t wear designer clothes or shoes, I don’t shop for purses, I haven’t bought an electronic item since last fall… where’s all my money going? Did it run away with the mate to EVERY SOCK I HAVE (and therefore why I hate socks)? [Read more →]

So, I did it.

I got the email today. The piece of HIM that I’ve become so accustomed to getting every week that it seems normal. It usually comes on Mondays, but it must have got hung up somewhere because it came today.

I LOVE email, and I have my gmail roll to my blackberry with a special notifier that lets me know I have mail. When I hear that jingle, I always feel a little happy and roll on over to that account and log in to see what gems await me. I subscribe to WAY too many blogs and newsletters, so it’s usually something I’ll want to save for later. Today, that email address and the form letter and usual impersonal format, the one that says ‘you’ve got matches, come look at  ‘em!’ was just… screaming at me.

But it wasn’t screaming, ‘click me! He might be waiting!’ This time I didn’t feel a warm fuzzy and remember HIM because that was where I met him. I felt pathetic and loser-ish for trying to hang onto HIM via a random email that had nothing to do with him. I felt ridiculous for hanging on for so long, for getting in my own damn way, for setting up my own roadblocks and helping to build my own wall.

Yeah, time to let go, I told myself.

So I logged in. And I deleted my account. It asks you why you’re deleting your account, and I sort of laughed at the reasons they listed:

• Did you find someone?
• Did you not find enough people?
• Did you have issues with the website?
• Did you give up?

The last one is kind of humorous, actually. But nowhere in the list did it say, “Are you not interested in using this site at all and were just hanging onto your profile hoping to remain some sort of pseudo contact with a man that isn’t even on this site anymore and furthermore broke up with you via email? Cause if so, good riddance, sister!”

That option wasn’t available. So I laughed and chose the last one and closed it out. For good. And didn’t feel badly about it. No pangs. No anxiety attacks. No regrets. I went on with my day and didn’t even think about it until a few minutes ago when I realized I wanted to blog about how easy it was.

Since I was feeling brave, I went ahead and broke up with Piz.za Hut emails too. Tomorrow I am pretty sure I am  getting an email from Wi.ng Zone. GONE!

Sweeping changes, people. SWEEPING changes!

I make myself laugh.

Let’s chat about something sort of taboo. Something people used to think was the sign of the Lahoooosaherrrrr. Something people attribute to the desperate and needy and undateable.

That’s right. Internet dating.

If you’ve followed me on Twitter for any amount of time, you know that I have a personal vendetta against eScamyourmoney (eHarmony), for no other reason than it didn’t work for me and it seemed scammish when I joined. Twice. Whatever, shutup.

There’s a lot to the story, and someday I’ll get drunk and rant it all, but HATE. IMMENSELY. And their commercials SUCK. I love how they pretend they’re not a hideously overpriced, judgmental, overly religiously based internet dating site. eH is no better or worse than Match or Yahoo! Personals.

So anyway. A long, long time ago, back when the internet was something nerds used to log into their AOL accounts and their alt.geekshit.incomprehensibleterms.net chatrooms, online dating was a really innovative way to meet new people. It was a very romantic idea to think that your Prince Charming, or reasonable facsimile thereof could be around the corner, or across town, and you’d never know it, and if it weren’t for the internet, you might never meet them.

The internet was rare, and it was slow and you had to be really dedicated to getting online. It was hard work, and it required a home computer and a little bit of know how. The people that you’d meet online where there on purpose. They weren’t just bored, or paying bills and happened to jump in a chat room for a second (online banking didn’t yet exist, neither did Pandora. Or for that matter iPods! Hang on, lemme turn the tape over on my Sony Walkman Sport Edition– this walk down memory lane is taking awhile). [Read more →]