Category — Personal

I SO did not want to work out last night. I had every intention of going home and gingerly settling down onto my very sore rear end and just sitting there until it was dark, and then sort of tipping myself over so I could lay down and fall asleep.

Remind me to never make mention that I plan to skip a work out. Peer pressure is a biatch! My friends DEMANDED and cajoled and coerced me into going home, changing clothes, and firing up the DVD player. Jillian and I spent about 20 minutes of close, personal time together.

Day 2 was not too shabby! Whereas on Day 1, she said start with jumping jacks and I laughed and tried it and my feet didn’t leave the ground, on Day 2, I actually got some in! I also was able to do the jump rope and the butt kicks (modified and pretty low impact) but I did them! I was really proud of myself.

The work out is made up of circuits, a 3-2-1 design: 3 minutes of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio, 1 minute of abs= 1 circuit. Each level has 3 circuits. The first circuit, to me is the hardest. I feel like the hardest moves are in that one. I love the punching  and I LOVE the arm rows and such in circuits 2 and 3. I dislike lunges intensely, but I even did those!

Afterward, I was sweaty and hot and tired and SO SORE. And then an hour later I was EVEN MORE SORE. And in the middle of the night I got up to use the bathroom and OOF.  I almost fell, my thighs hurt so bad. Really, I had a hard time even sitting down. You know… on the toilet.

Understandably, I am up a few lbs because I am now using weights and working muscles that I didn’t use while walking. My muscles are retaining water and I expect to be up for a few days. I probably will not do anything strenuous on Monday because Tuesday is my weigh in. Until then, I am working hard!

I had planned to keep walking but seriously… this is still kicking my butt in the way that new things kick butts until you get used to them. I might toss in a 1 or 2 mile walk next week to warm up before I Shred.

Uh, we’ll see.

Today I have a burning urge to do the Firm so I might pull that one out.

Can anyone explain where this new found desire to exercise came from? It’s scaring me.

And people in my office no longer come running when I stand up and go ‘OW!’  They’re already tired of my whining.

…which is a far sight better than I was doing last night. I could barely type, my arms were so weak!

So. The Shred.  >insert Jaws theme here<

You know… I spent so much time worrying about the jumping and hopping etc that I didn’t even really think about the weight training portion. And also the portion where you pretty much SQUAT the entire time. I thought that after 31 days of walking, I’d be ready to kick it up a notch, Emiril style- BAM!

I may have been ready to kick it up a notch but I don’t think I was quite ready for TV’s toughest trainer, Jillian Michaels and her 30 Day Shred.

Let me be clear: A LOT of people had me scared to DEATH about this video. I was considering not even opening it, even after I watched Level 1 and decided it wouldn’t be ‘that bad‘. Was it hard? Yep. Did it kick my ass? YES, GAWD. Am I feeling it today? *nods, because I can’t wave, and also because I can’t stand*

Was it impossible, horrid, un-doable, terribly horribly, make me cry and curse bad? Nah. I mean, I just did level 1… some people stay at level 1 for a good, long time, just increasing intensity until it just becomes too easy, or they need to work harder. I’ve done tons of workout vids before (my fave being The Firm Fat Burning Workout) so I was familiar with the steps. I’m not one to get down on the floor for anything because I can’t get back up, so I lamesauced a LOT of it (did pushups off the wall, halftimed the jumping jacks and such) and  I still hurt. I can’t even imagine if I put everything I had into it… maybe I wouldn’t be able to breathe!

I will say… it wasn’t ‘fun’. At least not until about the last circuit, and then I was kind of having a good time. To me, Jillian isn’t all that personable and I’d like to see her doing more of the exercises with us. But in all, it definitely works. What’s getting me right now is my arms, shoulders, obliques, shoulder blades, thighs, and down the sides of my back. I am definitely feeling it. And that’s okay– preferable, actually.

All I want to do is move my ass.

All I want, when I am done is to feel like I’ve moved my ass.

All I want, the next day, is to feel like I moved my ass the day before. I think the Shred is gonna do that for me, so yay.

That said… after 32 days straight of exercise, I think I may actually skip a workout. I think it’ll make me feel weird to actually not do it. V and I were chatting about doing it every other day. I’m not really sure I’l keep up with it if I don’t do it everyday, but we’ll see how that works out.

And if I can stand up tomorrow.

You know what’s annoying?

When criminals live better than I do. When I watch shows like Lockup and I see all these programs and services afforded to people who have broken the law, and I have access to squat because I make too much money, it gets me feelin’ some kinda way.

And also, when I live on a cash only basis and have to save money for things like a Wii, or a TV, or a trip, or tires for my car, but some dude with an XBox Live gets a hold of my debit card number and decides to buy $150 worth of points on my dime…. that really sticks in my craw.

I am amazingly calm about this, probably due to the fact that both my bank and Microsoft support are doing the right thing. Microsoft marked the charges as fraud (but when I asked about if this person would still have a live, active account so he couldn’t do it to someone else, they were mighty evasive), and my bank also reversed the charges and canceled my debit card. So now I have to wait for a new card. Between now and when my new card arrives, I will need to buy 845 things at the store but won’t have my debit card. That’s how it always goes.

And also, I must have carried a lot of tension in my neck yesterday from my walk because it is really, really sore today. I want to go to CVS and get an icyhot patch and put that on there… oh, I don’t have a debit card. *grump* Which means I have to go to the bank and make a withdrawal and I hate going INTO the bank. But my neck hurts, so… has to be done.

As for where this person got my card number, I’ve no idea, since I have my card in my possession. Could be anywhere.  Places I order food from take a carbon copy of it. Wonder if someone got a hold of one of those? Don’t know but, it means I’ll probably be paying cash for things from now on, though.

All I can say is that thank God I have to keep tabs on myself and have the bank send me alert every time something goes through my account. I wouldn’t have noticed it until things started bouncing. Like my rent check.  *grump face*

And that’s how my weekend went, besides going to see my Aunt yesterday, almost melting at her house (why do old people keep their houses so hot?!?!) and her asking me if I’d found a man, yet. I told her no, but I wasn’t really looking, either. I get the feeling that dating was a whole lot easier back in her day. Or maybe she just remembers ti that way.

I’m off to get some tea and count the minutes till lunch.

Healthy You Check in for June 1st! WHAT WHAT!!!

Beginning weight: 269

Last week’s weight: 247

Today’s numbah:

245!

Loss since last week: 2lb

Total Loss: 24 lbs!

The past month (click to view full size):

All I can say is WOOT! \o/ Great month… I lost about 5lbs in May, lots of inches though I didn’t measure. I still need to find a tape measure. Maybe I’ll pop into Target on my lunch break today and grab one, so I can track my inch loss in June. I did Walk It Out, walking every single day in May.

Today starts a new month, so new goals and renewed vigor and a new project! I am doing the 30 Day Shred w/ Jillian Michaels. I am not planning on going balls to the wall with it. I just want to complete a workout and move my tooshie! Wish me luck!

I’ve got to get ready for work… my 3 mile walk yesterday is making me hurrrtttt…

[yelling like Oprah] Hello Blog Peopuuuuhhhhlllll! Walk It Out is OVEEEEERRRRRRRR!

It is DONE I did it! 31 days in a row! So much awesome! Let me tell you all about it, because I know you’re way interested. *smirk*

First of all, I did record a little video but I look TERRIBLE in it, so I decided not to post it. I never realized that I talk out of the side of my mouth, and I hate that. Ugh. So anyway, I went down to Chastain Park in Sandy Springs for my final walk. It’s 3 mile loop around a golf course, a park and a softball field. No big, right?

OhmyGAH!

I hadn’t done this loop in years, and I guess I forgot about the hills because OHMYGAH! I was kind of pissed off, actually. And tired. But stuck, because I had to get to my car! So I just kept walking. It took me about 45 minutes or so… as I’m walking, I’m thinking, ‘how the HELL do people walk for 3 Days for the Cure? Because I’ve been walking for 30 minutes and I am ready to punch someone’s lights out!’ Alas, I did not punch anyone. I walked and I trudged up hills and down hills and around the course and past people walking their dogs– that park smells like dog crap. By the time I got to my car, I just wanted to throw up.

I want to say never again, but who knows, I may get a wild hair up my butt and do it again. Someday. But not soon.

In all, I think I lost about 5 lbs. I don’t know how many inches. But I gained the knowledge that I could set my mind to something and do it. So often, I start to do something and fizzle out. I’m really proud that I didn’t fizzle out of this, because the walking part seems easy, but 31 days in a row isn’t.  Rain or shine, tired or energetic, hungry, thirsty, hurting, or feeling full, well and just fine, I was walking.

I will still likely walk 5-6 days a week, only by choice, now. I’m also starting the 30 Day Shred tomorrow. Perfect since June has 30 days in. Neat, huh? Oy. Pray for me, man.

Happy Saturday of a 3 Day Weekend!  Yeahhhhhh!

I’m chillin’ like a villain around this piece! I need to get up and clean a bit, go get some food. And walk. I think it’s going to be a scorcher so I might do Leslie Sansone’s 2 mile walk and then the 1 mile for a total of 3 miles. I’ll do that today and tomorrow and for my last Walk It Out (OHMYGODLASTWALK) I MIGHT drive down to Chastain Park and walk around. It’s 3 miles around, I think? And I haven’t done it in a few years. It’ll be nice to go somewhere for the last official walk.

As for past Walk It Out? Well. I am being kind of indecisive and that’s driving me crazy, because June 1 is like… TUESDAY. I hate to jump right from one thing to another without a break, but I don’t want to lose momentum. I need something that is a set period of time so I can count it down. I am considering the 30 Day Shred…. I don’t know that I want to work out everyday, though. I will still walk 5 to 6 days a week likely, but I am looking forward to not HAVING to walk every day. Taking at least ONE day off would be preferable. I do want to add to what I’m doing though, bump up the intensity. Shred would probably do it. Either that or The Firm.

Or both.

I’ve been watching a lot of videos, lately. YouTube videos of people doing weight loss Vlogs, and such. I only did one video for WIO. I intended to do them weekly but I was too worried about how I looked and sounded and I didn’t have appropriate equipment so that it turned out well and… meh. Maybe for June I will give it another shot. Anyway. I was going somewhere… I was saying that a lot of people were talking about their goals and rewards and surpassing them and such. Which makes me think about my goals and where I want to be at certain times.

Not that I want to put a time clock on anything, but the plan I am on is aimed to have me at my 100lb weight loss goal in about a year. Maybe more, which is fine, but I need something to shoot for. I need a challenge and a mark to hit and if I miss it, fine but at least I was going for something. There’s a saying that it’s better to aim high and miss than aim low and hit. I like to aim high and see how far I can get. So. That said, I have a couple of milestones I want to hit:

240 (29lbs down)- Used to be my ‘I can’t get any fatter than this’ weight. I am currently between 6 and 9 lbs over this.  Once I reach 240, I will let myself buy a few new smaller things. I need pants and some bras. I do have things I can shrink into, but I always like to have fresh, cute things for summer. I’m putting off shopping mostly because I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed when I get in the dressing room and I haven’t dropped as many sizes as I think I have, because I have stretched out my clothing or because the clothes I have are worn from age and use. I truly believe that clothing stretches, especially jeans. Just because my 22′s are loose doesn’t mean I wear a size 20. Or 18. So. 240 will bring a shopping trip and I hope I will see good results in the dressing room.

220 (49 lbs down)- This is what I weighed when I moved to Atlanta. And then I started eating all the good food here and.. well… the food here is goooood. Woo. Not to mention I lived with my aunt for about 6 weeks and that woman can cook, dammit. I’m sure that I gained about 10lbs immediately and just kept going up. I also got just under 220 in 2008, so I know it’s possible for me to get down there. I definitely want to see that number again, and the numbers below it. I felt positively thin then. And then on to the next one. Somewhere between 240 and 220 I’d like to get a Wii so I can get Wiifit. Maybe if I see 230 during June I will get it so I can have something for July.

199 (70lbs down)- Obviously, this will put me under 200. Onederland is pretty much a dieter’s dream, if they’re of a certain weight. Once I hit here, I think I will get that big damn TV I’ve been lusting after but haven’t bought.

180 (89 lbs down)-  A long, LONG time ago, I hit about 188 and oh my damn. I looked really good. I think I was at about a size 12, so… half the size I am now pretty much. Just… I mean… I basically can’t wait to get there. I don’t have a reward for this level yet.

169 (100lbs down)- will bring me to 100 lbs lost.

150 (119lbs down)- Pretty much my goal… but we’ll see what I look like about every 10 lbs until I get down to where I I feel comfortable. I have decided that I want to end up in a single digit size. Whatever size that ends up to be, I just want it to be a single digit. I am pretty curvy, so I don’t think I’ll ever be a waif. We’ll see what I look like when I hit an 8. I saw my mom at a size 8 and I couldn’t believe how great she looked. I have NO idea what size she is now, since after 8 years at the same weight, she started dropping again for no reason at all. She is now between 120 and 130. I’m kind of jealous.

Whether I get below 150 will be totally up to my body, I guess. I’ll welcome it, though. I remember thinking I was fat at 150 when I was a teenager. Now it’s my goal.

My reward for my final goal (or as close as I can get  to 100 lbs lost by May 2011) will be a trip. Complete with shopping for cute outfits and such. YESSSS.

I’m already planning it. I cannot fail.

This post is Rated R, but since some of my readers have already heard/read it, I obviously have no shame.

So. Last night I had dinner with Sarah and MJoy and it was great! We talked about the first time I met Tex and she offered me some lube. As in, hi, I’m Tex. Would you like some lube? *Opens a box, 50 blister paks pop out*

And yah, in the middle of the restaurant, we started talking about toys.  I said I would post this story……let’s see if I actually hit publish.

[Read more →]

Yesterday was a good day. Despite the fact that I was sleepy all day, and then it rained HARD just as I was leaving the office,  it was a really good day.  Rain in the south is a phenomenon. I am used to northwest rain, where it kind of sprinkles. It’s light and fresh and you dance in it and you might bring an umbrella if you think about it. Here? Naw. The heavens DUMP. From the building to my car, I was out in it for about a minute… I was soaked to my bra. Seriously, it’s like being in the shower. Took me awhile to get used to rainy nights in Georgia.

So, I had a hair appointment last night. I went to see my fave hair person ever, Liz from JCJD Salon. She hooked me up with some relaxer (my hair snapped a comb in two pieces yesterday, that’s how rough it was) and I got my usual wash, rollerset, and blowout. I always leave the salon feeling beautiful. And someone just told me my hair was bouncy. LOVE.

I feel like I ate a lot yesterday but the scale didn’t show it. I even had BBQ sauce on my chicken at lunch, and some baked beans. And then I had some bbq potato chips. SHHHHH. Those aren’t lowcarb! I ended up not eating dinner until 10, because I got home and had to do my walk before I could eat. By then I was STARVING and so hungry I was shaking. I had chili and a baked potato. It was DELICIOUS.  Bceause I ate so late and so…..carby…. I was determined to not weigh this morning because when I added up my calories I was somewhere in the 1500 range.  But I’m sort of on automatic by this point and I got on anyway. Didn’t hurt a bit, according to the scale. YAY. Not going to tempt fate twice though. I am going out tonight with Sarah and MJoy and I am going to be good. I think.

OOH! And theeeennnn. A week or so ago I entered a contest to win a dress on my friend SkinnyEmmie’s blog from Fashion To Figure. Uh. I WON! The dress came yesterday and it’s GORGEOUS. I thought I was ordering a size that I’d have to shrink into. It’s a 1X, their smallest size, which according to their conversion chart is a US 14/16. Uhm…I don’t know about all of that  because I am pretty sure if I go to a store and try on a dress I will be in an 18, but… IT FIT. I mean, I need suitable foundation garments because it’s a halter top and these girls do not go without support EVER and I also need to reign in the belly but it FIT and it doesn’t even cling! I can’t wait to wear it!  I’ve wanted a maxi dress for forever. Damn my short stature, I am wearing what I want to wear. Exciting!

Found out yesterday that my boss AND the CFO will be out of town next week. It will be SO QUIET. I will be able to get SO MUCH done.  Really looking forward to that. And having some time to maybe finish reading A Reliable Wife and start the other book I bought about being in the Witness Protection Program. Oh, and writing. But you know, I always make grand plans and end up doing nothing. Lemme shut up about what I’m gonna do………and just do it.

Ya know?

Happy Hump Day Blog people!  I’m a little sad, today. Just a little.

One of my bestest friends here in Atlanta is leaving. :( She and her husband are new parents, and as such, life has really changed for them. Certain things move up the list of importance and ‘adult’ matters like life insurance and safety seats and settling down. Their family lives in South Florida, and that’s where they’re moving back to. I’m really happy that they’ll be back among family and such. Sad that they’re leaving me. Pooo.

This makes me feel all… magenta. I’m trying hard not to feel like everyone around me is getting married and having kids and growing up and leaving.  Here I am on the cusp of my late 30′s doing not a whole lot of anything. And not even trying to. I’ve been lecturing myself lately on things I want that I am not going after. I don’t know how I expect things to come to me if I don’t beckon them and how I expect things to fall into my lap if I don’t take my lap somewhere. My same old excuses pop up:  I want to lose some weight first. I don’t have any money. I’m tired/busy/shy.

Bleh.

Thing is… I don’t really want to have any children. I don’t even want a pet. Let’s face it, I can’t remember to feed myself, let alone an animal. I am too selfish for children. I can’t commit to a plant right now. I don’t want to move away. I am probably about as settled as I am going to get, at the moment. I have the bills of a fully grown adult– Sallie Mae, Wells Fargo Auto Loans, rent, utilities, cell phone. I live alone, on my own. In my own zip code (my dad says you’re not grown until you have your own place in a zip code that is not the same as his–because when I turned 18 I declared myself an adult and he corrected me, harshly) I pay all my bills every month on my own, without outside assistance. I make donations and have fun plans with friends and read books and write things and travel when I can.

Why is it that I feel like I am not a grownup, doing grownup things? Because I am not married with a mortgage? Because there is no we, just a me? There is no us? There is no ‘our’?

I hate my mind, sometimes. It’s such a dangerous place to be.

I can always tell when Girly Time is imminent. I get all emotional about things I usually don’t think about. And I spend an immense amount of time looking at other people’s lives and measuring mine against them.

Healthy You Check in for 5/25. Nothing to write home about this week.

Beginning weight: 269

Last week’s weight: 246

Today’s numbah:

247!

Gain since last week: 1lb

The past month:

Over the weekend I got up to 249, then bounced back down to 247 again. And here I sit.

I feel like poo poo today.  I *think* my cycle is on the way. If my upset stomach + the feeling that  am sloshing around+ uhmmmm other indicators are proving right, it’ll be here soon.  I want to get this show on the road so it can be here and gone, man.

I was kind of hoping I would see the 230′s by the end of Walk it Out. I am tired of looking at 240′s. I am sitting almost exactly where I was on May 1st. I’ll be honest, I am unhappy and disappointed with that. I feel like I am working pretty hard and not doing much. Maybe after my cycle is gone I will see some change and I can say I at least lost 5lbs this month.

A while ago I started talking about Carbmaster yogurt:

I’m not a huge fan of yogurt, but it is convenient and a good source of protein and if I can find it in a lower carb, I am all over it. The Carbmaster is great because it’s not too smooth like Yoplait and it doesn’t have too much sugar. There are only 80 calories per cup and about 3g net carbs. They have great flavors– awesome stuff.

Since I was talking about Carbmaster,  a lot of people asked me if I liked Fage (Fa-yay) Greek Yogurt:

I’d heard of it but never tried it. It’s plain yogurt that, to me, has to be doctored so it has taste and some sweetness.  The first time I tried it, I had it with a dollop of sugar free blackberry preserves. Not bad, not bad, but I started putting granola in it because I like a little texture. Yogurt tends to be way too smooth for my palate,  which makes me gag. Seriously. Without the granola, I can’t take the smooth, creamy texture of Fage. WITH the granola, I have to eat it quickly because my granola becomes really soggy way too quickly and then I can’t eat it. I am very particular about texture and how things feel in my mouth (wiggles brows) and soggy granola and way too smooth yogurt is not the business. I tried to have some this morning and after a few spoonfuls I was gagging. No go.

Final verdict: I like the Fage, but not nearly as much as the Carbmaster. The CarbMaster serving is smaller (less waste, I never eat all of the Fage), there are fewer carbs, the taste and texture are better and the CarbMaster doesn’t make my granola soppy and soggy. I’d use Fage in cooking, etc but I don’t think I’ll be buying it again for the purpose of just eating yogurt. I think you have to be a yogurt lover to enjoy it.

Et voila.

On other fronts, I am down 2 of the 3 lbs I was up yesterday. Still a freaking mystery, but at least I am headed away from 250. Someone was on the verge of getting bitten. The last two days I have ramped my calories back down. I don’t have the kind of body that responds to a high calorie level. I also don’t feel stuffed to the gills all day and I’m way more energetic.  I’d like to not see 247 anymore. I am anticipating that I’ll be seeing 246 again this week for Healthy You, which is frustrating, really. On June 1 I will have been back on the train for 2 months and I am still trying to lose 10 lbs. I looked at my pictures again and I kind of feel like I see less of a difference than I did before. I think I want to see a huge difference, but I don’t. I feel like I am wobbling along very slowly. I just want this effort to be worth it. I am a results oriented person…. I am not going to exercise and eat healthy into oblivion and not see any result… if I am going to eat well and exercise and still sit at 245 then I may as well eat whatever the hell I want. The benefit of healthy eating and exercise is a loss of weight. Let’s get a move on, body!

I also admit that some of these feelings are  a result of looking at a friend’s progress photos. She’s doing really well and my jealous nature is rearing its ugly head. I feel like I’m not doing anything worth talking about and I have to stop comparing my efforts to hers but…. *grumble*.

Well. Onward and upward. Errrr downward.

Walk it Out Day 23! I’ll be taking my walk later. I just walked the complex yesterday, a nice leisurely walk but I broke a sweat, so that was good. This is the last week so I want to give it a good push. To be honest I am tired and I am looking forward to June 1 so’s I can take a day off. I know, that’s totally unlike me. I never knew walking was so strenuous but my body hurts! I am very tempted to try out the complex gym and do the treadmill. Not to be lazy, just for something a little different. Though, yesterday I talked about doing the walks outside because I couldn’t cheat and just stop whenever I was ‘done’. There are a lot of times that I am ‘done’ midwalk but I still have to get home. Usually a good song will pump me back up and I’ll finish out the walk at a good pace.

It’s a gorgeous Sunday here. I am spending it inside. My apartment is not fit for visitors and I need to fix that. I may venture out after my walk and hit the grocery store for some food. Other than that, I need to do laundry and find all of my spoons. I’m also doing some writing today! Yay.

Good Saturday morning! Just doing a quick check in for Walk it Out. Finishing up Week three. Today is Day 22 in a row of walking… I haven’t done mine yet today. Will probably get to it this afternoon. Trying to figure out if it’s going to rain more today. If so, I’ll have to do my walk indoors, which means it will be boring and shorter. I like the outdoor walks mainly because I can’t just quit when I get tired of doing it. I have to get back home. Plus I tend to work harder and walk longer. I’ve created a few different routes I take. Some are easier, some are really difficult. All are really enjoyable. Loving them.

This week… hmmmm. I don’t feel like it was a bust, but… I’ve been dinking around with certain things trying to find a good balance. I was reading Chris a few days ago…or last week, whenever it was… and she was talking about her calorie level and I asked her how it was possible to eat ‘all that food’ and still have lost 100lbs in a year because I can’t physically shove down more than 1200 calories (she eats between 1400 and 1600 a day, which is mind blowing to me). She explained the science of weight loss and how she figures out where she should be. I thought perhaps my slow/ stalled loss had to do with not eating enough food– I generally feel satisfied at about 1000 calories. I have try hard to eat more than that. Unless I am binge eating and then Lord knows how many calories I ingest.

So, despite the fact that i’ve been perfectly satisfied with my levels, I increased my calories. First to 1500, as all the websites and metrics and science advised. That was NEVER going to happen.  I cannot eat that much food. Little meals, snacking all day, what have you… nope. I fill up fast. Because I keep carbs low,  I stay full. I just cannot shove down that much food. I lowered my level to about 1380. The very most I could eat in a day was just shy of 1300 calories. Add in exercise and I always have a calorie deficit, so I come in around 1200. Sometimes more, usually less. Yet over the last week I have gained 3lbs.

Hmmmm.

Now, I am comforted by the fact that the trend shows a downward slope. But it won’t for long if these 3lbs decide to make a home on my hips. I suppose that it would have been good for me to track my gains, etc on my last cycle instead of being vain and not reporting them because they were higher. Then I could see what the usual span of time is between cycles and when the weight gain and bloat start to show up. I do feel like I am bloated, but only because I really want these 3lbs to be related to my cycle and not to anything else I am doing. I am hoping to every higher power in existence that I haven’t gained due to the increase in calories, especially since my increase isn’t due to white flour, starches, or sugars. I increased calories by cutting out low calorie foods and increasing my protein, thus keeping my carbs low.

So it would appear, to me, that increasing my calories wasn’t a very good plan, but who really knows? I like to give something a few weeks to work out, but I was honestly STUFFED all day and I didn’t like that feeling. I was trying to eat most of my calories during the day because eating them at night and then going to bed a few hours later has always been a bad combination. I try to taper the calories and carbs, the closer I get to evening. That way I am not trying to burn 800 calories overnight. That will never work, for me.

The other issue is that I am not doing enough exercise to warrant a large calorie intake. I walk every day, and that’s it, for right now. I just want to concentrate on the walking. In June, I want to ramp up the exercise but for now, it’s just walking. Sometimes I do an easy 15 minutes. Most often I do a brisk 20 to 45 minute walk, but it’s really only a few hundred calories burned. I am generally sedentary and if I am honest, I’m not willing to work out several hours a day just to eat a lot. I track everything I eat, and all of my exercise and I have increased my water.

Let us pray this increase is due to hormones. And amen.

In conclusion, I have gained, this week. I am not too worried about it, but it is a mystery and I like to solve mysteries. We’ll see what Tuesday’s Healthy You Weigh in looks like. If I get back up over 250, I will bite someone. Probably myself, unless you like to be bitten and want to volunteer.

?

Good rainy Friday morning, blog people!  It is a dreary day here in the A, though as I glance out of the window (that I can see through the office I sit in front of), it doesn’t appear to be raining currently. This is a good thing, because rain makes me mopey. In all honesty and actuality, I hope it rains most of the weekend, because I’d love nothing more than to curl up and chill out in my apartment, cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. If only I had someone to cuddle up with!

I had a long post written earlier, which I deleted. Because… I am just sick of that subject. But I read a couple of other blog posts and decided I’d talk about something else.

I just recently read this post by Pasta Queen about all the facets that we choose to show people via social media. My Twitfolk see the really ridiculous side of me. I’m pretty much always a fool on twitter. Very little serious conversation can happen in 140 characters, and maybe that’s fitting. My real, personal facebook is… meh. It’s kind of surface. I keep it to keep track of people I don’t see that often. I’d say the only place I am really real is IM or email. Or in person. If you’ve met me in person, that is probably the realest real me.

Pasta Queen talks about all these ‘pieces’ that float around, all these different parts of you that you show people, and when crowds mix, which You do you show? Funny, silly, vulgar You? Demure, kind, gentle You? Professional You? Really real You?

This is something I’ve been struggling with and I am SO glad she put it into words. When I started this blog, I felt like I had something to say that I couldn’t really say unless it was anonymous. And then I started being a little less anonymous and now I… kind of feel like I can’t say what I really want to say. This entire medium created to anonymously speak my mind has now entrapped me into this little bubble in which I am careful what I say and how I say it. I don’t want to be ranty or bitchy or judgementy. I don’t want to make people stop reading because I talk too much about my diet or I talk too much about dating or I talk too much about X subject. I’m far too concerned with my readers and not enough concerned about WHY I blog. Even more than my readers, I am concerned about what I think of me.

I don’t know what I am gonna do about that. Maybe I will just decide ‘to hell with it, I am gonna blog what I want to blog and not worry about it because I pay the hosting bill ’round this piece!’  Maybe I will try to have an actual point and be concise and only blog when I feel like I have a complete thought to express and not ramble about things and still end up not knowing WTF I am talking about.

Maybe I just won’t blog at all.  Maybe this blog has run its course and I’ve run out of witty, original things to say.  In truth,  I want to be deep and concise. I want to write things that people quote and take to heart. When I blog about things going on, I want people to read and exclaim, ‘oh my Gah! Me too!’ Mostly when I read back on myself, I roll my eyes. I always think I am being wise but I really find myself kind of ridiculous. Which isn’t bad, just… it’s sort of like waking up at 3am remembering that one time you walked out of the bathroom with your skirt tucked into your panties. You can’t make the memory of doing it go away. Most of all you can’t make the memory of people SEEING it go away either.

It’s just that… it’s hard to be real when people are watching you.  I swear, I don’t know how long term prolific bloggers do it. Over the past week I have started and deleted four posts. Not posts of any importance. One on dating, a few on dieting, one funny story. But I deleted them. Because I think they’re dumb and I’m embarrassed to post them. I wouldn’t even care if I got no comment– the majority of posts here have zero comments. It’s just that when I go back to read myself, I roll my eyes at me, at the witty person I thought I was  but don’t appear to be, in retrospect.

It’s a blog, for Pete’s sake! A blog is supposed to be a place where writers write and pontificate and express their thoughts. It is not a place where problems are solved and people are expected to be perfect.

I want to be, though. I guess that’s another one of my problems. Trying to be perfect, knowing full well I cannot. I will fail every time.

This post has no point. This issue has no resolution. But I’m pressing Publish before I delete it.

You’re welcome for the earworm.

I’d like you to join me in saying goodbye to something. Just stick your hands in the air, and wave them like you just don’t care, in the direction of my Posterior.

You read that right. My ass, she’s going bye bye bye. I took my monthly progress pic today. I took it on 4/20 last month, but I figure one day is not going to net me recognizable inches, and  I like my outfit today, so here she be:

April

From the front- 252 lbs

From the side, 252 lbs

May

246lbs

246lbs

I am definitely losing my shelf back there. HUZZAH. Because I could knock stuff off of tables, before.  I hope I don’t lose too much…. but looking at my natural shape, I’m not really sure if that’s possible.

I’d like it, actually, if some of my boobs could hop on the same train but I understand these things take time. *taps foot impatiently* To be fair, in my pic today I pulled my shirt so you could see my more clearly defined waist, but seriously. It’s smaller. This makes me happy!

See ya all next month, in which I hope to be seeing an even bigger difference.

\o/

Quick and dirty check in for Healthy You!

Beginning weight: 269

Last week’s weight: 247

Today’s numbah:

246!

Loss since last week: 1lb

Total loss to date: 23 lbs

The past month:

(I stole this idea from Skinnyemmie! :o) )

The rundown:

Pretty good week! I am happy to see the numbers going down… I hit 246 on Friday and celebrated by having a burger WITH bun on Friday night. DOH. And then Saturday I had fried catfish.  Back on the horse Sunday and Monday and I still dropped a lb! w00t!

I’ve been looking at my caloric intake and trying to evaluate my eating. I like to keep carbs low (around 100 or so) but I need to make sure I am eating enough to fuel my body. I’ve received a lot of advice about eating smaller meals more often… all I can say is that I am trying. I fill up quickly and I stay full! I guess I don’t have a superfast metabolism.  According to LoseIt, I should eat around 1500 or so calories a day. iLaugh. It just isn’t going to happen, at least not right now. Yesterday I got just over 1200 in and I was STUFFED. I didn’t even eat dinner… I was nowhere near hungry.  I did my walk and had some water, headed to bed around 10. Maybe I can inch it up or something? I don’t know but I cannot physically eat that much food.

I track my food, water, weight and activity daily with LoseIt and Waterlogged, so I am well aware of what’s going on, what’s working, what’s not. It’s all about finding that perfect balance, you know?

Walk it Out is still going strong! On Sunday I ventured out and did “The Hill” again… and it kicked my booty again! I’ll keep doing it until it doesn’t hurt so good! I also started Walk On Rock On challenge through iVillage, so that’ll keep me walking into June. I also figure I will maybe add some weights in June. For right now, I want to keep it simple, build a habit. The habit is being built! I haven’t missed a day, even on the days I was sick, I got up and found Exercise TV on Demand and did one of the Walking programs. No excuses– not for me, anyway!

Onward and downward!