Category — Personal

I don’t remember what I was looking for, when I found a video of Jimmy from LivinLaVidaLowcarb talking about this great lowcarb bread he’d tried. Jimmy is famous for his 150 lb loss and now maintains a website talking about the lowcarb lifestyle, reviewing products meant to help live life easier and in general, being an inspiration.

I always find that I do just fine without bread until I decide that I’m not having it anymore and then ohmyGodIneedsomebreadrightnowwwww! Most of the time, if I can get a hearty, whole grain bread, it doesn’t affect me as badly as regular slice of Wonder. Something in the fiber? I don’t know. I don’t buy bread. The only time I eat it is if I eat out and they put some on the table. I cannot resist the bread at Cheesecake Factory.  I’m also not all that particular, as long as it’s wheat. I can’t stand white bread. *shudder*

So sometimes when I am having some tuna salad (or salmon salad) or some scrambled eggs, or something I’d normally eat with bread, the meal feels slightly empty without it. For a fleeting moment, I wish I ate bread, and then I sit down and eat and the thought is gone.

When I stumbled onto this lowcarb bread from Julian Bakery, and heard Jimmy singing it’s praises, I just wanted to try it. Because. So I ordered a loaf, using the coupon code that was provided on the website. It is baked fresh and all orders are shipped on Tuesdays. I got mine Thursday.

It is about the size of one of those loaves you get at the grocery store– not the regular bread but the whole grain and multi grain breads.

This is a really REALLY dense bread. If you like your bread full of air and barely there, you probably won’t like this bread. It’s a meal in itself. Very thick, very hearty. I LOVE a thick bread, so I was giddy. This would be so good with some stew….

This piece is toward the end of the loaf so it is thicker, but this is about the width of each piece. They don’t slice them razor thin or anything.  I had some today, on my lunch, with my salmon salad. At first I spread the mixture on the bread and tried to eat it like finger food but I found I didn’t like the mixture of tastes together, so I dumped the salad and ate  interspersed with bites of the bread.

Okay, if I didn’t say it before, this bread is thick. Did I mention it was a meal in itself? I was pretty much full after half a slice but I kept eating because it’s what I do. The taste is very slightly nutty, if it’s just plain. A tad bland. This weekend I will toast a slice to have with my eggs. I bet it kicks butt toasted. A little buttah…. it’ll be like buttah.

When I bit into it, it wasn’t like ‘mmmmmm, bread.’ I only reserve that reaction for Cheesecake Factory bread. But it looks like bread and smells like bread and tastes like bread. So. I guess they did a good job of producing a lowcarb product that walks, talks and acts like a duck…err… bread.

The true test for me, as to if I can tolerate it, is its effect on my body. Normally flour makes me sleepy. I come back from lunch and just want to stretch out and go to sleep. Sugar does the same, except I get a little rush and then I crash. I was awake and alert – and satisfied – all through the afternoon. I came home and worked out, had plenty of energy, and then cooked and ate dinner. Very filling and satisfying.

Here are some nutritional deets:

A) Smart Carb No 1 (Net 1 Carb)

Ingredients:

Sprouted Whole Grains of *kamut®, *spelt, *wheat, *rye, *millet, lentils, eggs, organic non-gmo soy milk protein, flax, sesame, *quinoa, *amaranth, wheat gluten, 7 grain flakes, oat bran, sea salt & yeast.

The number that most lowcarbers look at is carbs and fiber. The ‘new school’ lowcarb dieters subtract carbs from fiber to get a net carb. All I really care about are net carbs, or what’s left after you subtract the two. Also, as far as I am concerned, the higher the fiber and protein count, and the lower sugar the better. Seeing a big fat 0 next to sugar makes me happy. This bread is so packed with fiber that it essentially cancels out the carb count. And 12 grams of protein isn’t  too shabby, either!

*I should mention that most diabetics actually figure each slice to be 3.8 carbs– which is far lower, still, than other lowcarb breads.

In all, this isn’t too bad. It’s the lowest of the lowcarb bread, and reviewers about the interwebs say it’s tasty. It’s too expensive to blow through a loaf with any kind of frequency, but I admit most of the cost was shipping. Julian Bakery does offer a multi loaf discount, to take the edge off of the shipping fees.

And since I can’t make salmon salad like my aunt makes salmon salad, I sort of liked the bread better than my salad. I need her recipe.

Once this loaf is gone, I’d like to try the Cinnamon kind… but I foresee that loaf going much, much faster.

I’m thinking a lot… A LOT about the work I have to do. I should be taking this one day at a time, I guess my mind doesn’t work that way. Anyway, sometimes when I’m thinking about something, it’s so weird that I read something that someone else wrote that is exactly what I was thinking.

I was catching up on blog posts this morning and read that one of my fave weight loss bloggers Chris would be guest posting today at MsFitOnline– a site I’ve never been to. I clicked on her link and read her post (I normally don’t read guest posts) and I am sitting here at work trying not to cry into my yogurt. It’s a beautiful post and so amazingly expresses what’s in my heart right now. Not from the perspective of me a year from now, but the feelings of the ‘her’ from a year ago. The reasons I had to get up out of the bed and off the couch. The reasons (the real ones) that I decided I had to hop on the train again. One more time.

I hope no one minds if I share it here… I’d like to come back to it again and again.

If I could write a letter to the me of a year ago this is what I would say….

Dear self,

As you stood there today, eyes locked on that mirror….looking at a stranger that you hadn’t really noticed before.

A stranger that you have been trying to avoid seeing for years….

By avoiding mirrors and family photos, wearing baggy clothing in dark colors.

By being everybody’s fat friend.

By cracking jokes about your weight.

By being the endlessly patient and caring person who never imposes.

Who never asks, never wants, and never  needs.

And by never asking, or wanting, or needing,

You have somehow become a person who never lives, or even feels….

The embarrassment that swept over you in cold waves…

The need to flee…

The urge to run …

From what it was that you were seeing.

From what you suddenly knew everyone else could see.

Well, that feeling was temporary…but you don’t know that yet.

It feels infinite.

As you lie in bed tonight crying.

Asking God to help you, because you don’t believe you have it in you to succeed.

You had tried and failed, and tried and failed…and tried….and failed.

Till you thought you had failure tattooed on your forehead.

Here I stand one year later to tell you that you did it.

You did it.

Somehow, you took every bad thought captive.

You broke that negative tape that told you how fat-and dumb-and unlovable you are;

And created a new tape that told you how great, and awesome, capable, and loved you are.

At some point, you stopped belittling yourself, berating yourself…and began to encourage yourself.

You stopped beating yourself up over yesterday and began living today.

Because you realized that if you lived right TODAY.

If you nourished yourself TODAY.

If you exercised TODAY.

The yesterdays and tomorrows would take care of themselves.

You started to value yourself.

You began to reach out for love, and for friendship.

As you grew healthier in your mind and your body, you began to expect better treatment from those around you.

You began to ask.

You began to want.

You began to live.

It was so dark in the beginning, you couldn’t even see around the corner.

You couldn’t see what kind of a new world you were entering…

Or more accurately, that you were creating.

All you could do was walk.

And let go of your crutch, your consoler, your enemy, your addiction…

Your Food.

You see, you finally figured out that you can’t grab hold of a new life and still cling to your old one.

Oh hon.

Right now, Lying in your bed.

You think you’re trying to ‘get skinny’.

You’re not.

You’re trying to live.

You’re trying To Fully Feel, to Fully Inhabit the life you’ve been given.

You are trying to create a person that you can be proud of…

Or as some would say:

You are trying to be your own superhero.

I want to thank you…

As scared and uncertain as you are,

It is a brave thing to do.

To put down the food and pick up a life.

To Face your past and put it to rest.

To finally escape the prison of your own low expectations.

And rise to the challenge of who God created you to be.

I wouldn’t be where I am today, 100 lbs lighter and light years happier…

If you hadn’t decided

To Live Deliberately.

So, thank you.

Love,

Chris

Christine is an INSPIRATION to many and Im grateful she agreed to guest post for us and didnt even make me beg.

She’s a 36 year old mother who has lost over 100 pounds through eating less and moving more.

She blogs at a deliberate life.

That was beautifully moving. Thanks, Chris, for sharing your journey with everyone. It’s so inspiring, especially on a day like today when I am kind of annoyed with myself.

As I’ve mentioned a few times, my kitchen is currently unusable because the complex is having the pest control people come in and spray. I had to move everything out of my kitchen and my bathrooms. Working out in the middle of all the crap in my living room was a challenge, but I was undeterred.

I couldn’t cook, because all my seasons, utensils, pots and pans are  … in my living room. So I had to eat out, of course, which I hate because it seems when I eat out, I am up the next day. I do so much better when I cook my own food. So I ordered in, some chicken wings and a garden salad. Ate my salad first. Had 7 wings, unbreaded. On a controlled carbohydrate diet, this is a great meal. I was well within my calorie range for the day, and had done my Firm and Shred. The odds were in my favor.

Up today. Granted, only .2lbs. Which will be gone today. It’s the principle of the thing.

I’m just getting really sick and tired of the one step up and two steps back, splurge a little and spend a day making it up. And not that i’ll never splurge but it’s hardly worth spending a day working off sodium and fat for 7 chicken wings. Ya know? These are the things that irritate me. I could have just gone and got some roasted chicken. I could have planned ahead. I’ve known since Tuesday that I wouldn’t be able to cook until tonight.

It was good, though. *shrug*

Well, it’s Shred and Cardio Barre night, so…. that .2 lbs will be gone in a snap. I guarahntee!

Okay. I was emo, but I “blogged it out” and I feel better. Gotta finish my yogurt before it warms up *retch*

Have a healthy day!

Yeah, that song by Nu Shooz is stuck in my head. You know, this one:

So I am going to let you all in on a teensy tiny secret: I am not a machine. I know. I’ll let that sink in.

I post about my daily workouts for two reasons – 1. So I can see it and 2. So others can see it. The reason I want people to see it and I want myself to see it is because it’s motivation. It’s inspiration. It compels me to get up and get the workout clothes on and go to the mini-gym (living room) and get to sweating. Invariably I get tons of nice compliments that refer to how well I am doing and how much I’ve accomplished and on occasion, I am called a ‘machine’.

Now I’ll accept the compliment. I surely will. But a machine I am not. Because some days I just am not feeling it. Some days, like today, I wake up tired. And I am cold and tired throughout the day and I am cold and tired when I leave work and I get home and I am tired and uninspired. So I try to talk myself out of it. Rationalize. “I’ll do a double tomorrow… nah, I know I won’t. Okay I’ll do it, but I’ll just do this part…. nah, it’s not enough to just do that. Gotta do this and that. Do I have enough energy for that and THIS? I dunno. I’m just gonna do this. Nope, you know what? Just do it. Get on with it so you can be done.”

I’ve always said that I will do something ‘not fun’ once. I’m not going to keep doing it. If it’s not fun, I’m not going to torture myself, so it’s safe to say that I enjoy my workouts. But sometimes, man… sometimes I just don’t feel like working out! I want to sit down and curl up under the covers with the laptop and watch a 6hour marathon on TV and then nod off to sleep — like I used to do, but my body won’t let me.

I came home today and I did not feel like working out, but I did. I did not feel like sweating, but I did. I did not feel like ‘feeling the burn’, but I did. I got back to my laptop and started going through my google reader– I read several blogs daily, lots of diet and weight loss blogs, from people like me, who are doing the weight loss thing. I came upon a blog called Escape from Obesity. She is celebrating an 80 lbs loss today. I looked at her pictures, her before and afters, noticed the drastic difference, and the similarities between what I have to lose and what she had to lose. I was literally salivating.  Of course I had to comment and congratulate her. And then stare at her pictures some more.

I can’t wait to be there. I have 88lbs to drop. One at a time. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s gonna take some work. It’s gonna take some dedication. It’s gonna take some days of coming home and dragging myself into workout clothes and lame-saucing my way through a workout. It’s gonna take some concentration. But if I want it bad enough, all I have to do is go get it. There’s proof all over the internet that it can be done.

I want to be one of those people. I dream of the day I can say I’ve dropped 50, 75, 80, 100 lbs.  My daydreams consist of being about to walk around, all comfortable in my skin and feeling good because I look good and feel great. My mind is consumed with making this happen. Call me obsessed, but I will make this happen.

Baby, I can’t wait.

Healthy You Check in for : June 22, 2010

Beginning weight: 269

Last week’s weight: 242.8

Today’s numbah:

238.4!

Change since last week: 4.4 lb

Total Loss: 30.6 lbs!

Check out my chart and my stats at a glance on my Progress page

Uhm. Wow. I hope no one asks me how I did that. Aside from working out like a fiend (save two days of lazyness this weekend) and cleaning up my eating (no sugar, no white flour, no starch, lean protein, lots of veggies), I don’t really know what brought that on. I only know that I was losing tons of inches but only a lb here a lb there, then gaining 3 back and what not.  Got tired of that and buckled down. I started sleeping well again and my monthly cycles came back and I started dropping lbs.

Uhmmm. I’ll take it!

So I have about 3 more chunks of 30 to lose and then I’ll reevaluate myself and see where I’m at. I’m hoping to continue the weight training so that my body reshapes. I saw on someone’s blog the other day that put it perfectly… “I’d rather weigh 180 and be in a size 10 than weigh 160 and be in a 14.”  PERFECT. EXACTLY.

(But still, I have a number I wanna see. *shrug* )

Last night I am pretty sure that I qualified for crazy. I was in the mood to work HARD (I’m on a mission, you know) so I came home and changed clothes and set up my laptop to play my workout DVDs. I cannot figure out how to work my DVD player and I also can’t find the frigging remote to it so I can’t skip sections, etc. Guh. So I use my laptop and I can’t WAIT till I can stop dragging it around.

Anyway, I warmed up with about 25 minutes of cardio from the Firm Basics Fat Burning workout. I’ve done this so many times that my body is used to it and it’s pretty much just a warmup. I then moved to the 30 Day Shred Level 2 workout, skipping Jillian’s warmup cause I kind of hate it and I was already warm. I drop in to do the neck rolls and then get all my stuff together while she is leading those infernal jumping jacks.  Did the shred (ooooouuuccchhhh) and then skipped the cooldown and went straight to the Intermediate Cardio Barre workout.

My living room looks like a mini gym, some days. I have my dumbbells and my portable barre right in the middle of the room. You can’t even see the TV. This is because I also do the pushups and plank work for the Shred on the Barre and not on the floor. Sue me. It takes me 5 minutes to get up off the floor.

So last night was the first time I did the intermediate Barre workout. I have done the intro workout with Richard Giorla about 10 or so times, so I’ve got the moves down– the intro work out is enough to break a sweat.  I read that Richard leading the Intermediate was actually easier to follow than the beginning, so I tried it. HOLY MOTHER OF HURTING THINGS. This workout is pretty fast paced, about a medium difficulty but it works the entire body. Holy cow. I did a lot of grunting and screaming last night. Afterward, I couldn’t feel my legs, Lol.

There are lots of moves to promote, long and lean lines, working every area of the butt and thigh, and there is a killer arm section as well. And sue me twice, I skip the abs. I just have no desire to lay on the floor and crunch.  I ended up doing about 35 of 45 minutes. I know I missed some good leg and thigh work but since we are in a squat through most of 30 Day Shred….. I call it a wash!

I posted my monthly update over the weekend, with progress pictures, please be sure to check it out! I have to get down to bidness now, Tuesdays can be kind of crazy. Thank you so much for your support, and I’m looking forward to getting the pom pom’s out for my fellow Healthy You Challengers!

Have a fantastical day!

[Edit: I also took the little blue XL dress back. I am not small enough for that dress, and it's too short, anyway. I'm not an XL, and I am not 27 years old. I should not be wearing anything that short, haha! I don't like having something hanging in my closet that I can't wear when I don't have a bra that fits or pants I can wear. So I took it back and I feel good about that. I also took back this XL top that I bought, that I could not fit into if I TRIED. Don't know what I was thinking!]

It’s the 20th, yet again, and that means time for my monthly progress report!

I don’t believe I ever posted any BEFORE pics, so I’ll start with a few shots that I found in a friends FB album from last fall. I was at my highest, in these:

Two of my friends come down every year for festivities and fun. Normally when they come to town, I’ll meet up for a meal or some shopping, but let them do their going out thing on their own. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in a club atmosphere, unless I was working (when I worked in radio, I would go on the broadcast remotes with the DJ’s and help out. That way I’d have an excuse for not dancing, or being asked to dance, or having anyone to hang out with) Last year, they said they were taking me out and wouldn’t take no for answer. PARTAY! I was nervous, because I have ‘Fat Friend’ Mentality, in which I am embarrassed for my friends to be seen with me.  They are thin and gorgeous and openly desired. In my mind, I am the girl that watches the purses. Green Eyes and I chatted yesterday about the pics and she said she remembered me saying, afterward, that I had a good time but felt like the Fat Friend. You’ll see on my Top 5′s list that one of my goals during this journey is to rid myself of this mentality. It has robbed me of so much time with my friends and so much self esteem.  And also caused me to think those knots were cute. *shudder*

So that was me last year, at my heaviest ever, at some points I was hitting 270. I always say I topped out at 269. That was the point where I had literally had ENOUGH…. however I wouldn’t get on the bandwagon until January and wouldn’t really start making any kind of effort until April.

My previous progress photos are HERE, but I’ll put the June ones in today’s post:

240.8

I want you guys to know that I have been ordered to do away with these jeans, post haste! GreenEyes is the fashion guru of my life and she’s pissed off that I’m even wearing them. “Those jeans are swallowing you! All I see is jean wrinkle and no leg, which means they are way too big. Get rid of them! And who told you those knots were cute?” Damn. She goes hard.

In my defense, I did search for jeans but didn’t find any that I wanted to actually wear out of the store. I went to Marshall’s on my lunch hour and I think Marshall’s is where Apple Bottoms and Baby Phat go to die.

The jeans I am wearing, I believe, are size 20′s Calvin Klein. They always were really long, but now they’re really loose. I had to keep pulling them up at the grocery store. The top I have had forever, I have no idea how big it is. Too big, though.

I feel like my shape stayed pretty static, which is good and bad. Good because at least I haven’t gained a bunch of inches and I’d rather stay steady than gain. Bad because I’d really like to continue the great fat loss I was getting when I was doing a lot of cardio.  For June, I am doing 30 Day Shred, and it is KILLAH. I kind of like the pain. For July, I am going back to something that is more cardio based. The Shred is great for strength, but 6 minutes of cardio is just not enough to burn fat. When I do it now, I try to combine it with  cardio barre or the Firm, to get some additional fat blasting in.

I’m finally seeing what I look like when I wear clothes that are too big. I look huge to me and not any different, even though I feel different and I know that I am smaller than I appear.  I have another set that I took in my workout clothes- clingy, skintight, showing every roll- but I’m not brave enough to post them. I really do look huge.  By July I hope to see some bigger changes, but I’m not at all disappointed. Just a little… I don’t know… magenta at seeing proof of how much work I really have to do.

As for weight, I don’t have a weight for April 18th but on April 20th I was 252, on May 18th, I weighed 246.  On June 18th I weighed 240.8. So, a consistent 6 lb loss per month. Not too shabby. I’d take 8 though! I was up slightly on Saturday, likely due to some sodium from the chef salad I had Friday night and I had 2 diet sodas.  Since I restarted, I’ve been drinking mostly water and the occasional coffee. I think I need to stick with that.

As of this morning I am 239.6! Unofficially 30lbs down! let’s hope it sticks for my weigh in on Tuesday! *crosses everything* I have slacked off of my exercise for two days, and I’m pretty sure Jillian is pissed off, sitting in my DVD player. She’s gonna make me work hard, huh? Hmph.

I’m off to work out and get some things done around the Bach Pad. Thank you thank you thank you for all your support, or for at least not throwing rotten fruit.

I’m hoping to report live from 230′sVille for July!  Aiming for 232, to be exact.

See ya all Tuesday for Healthy You Check in, what what!

[Edit: I did say I was going to show ya'll the cute dresses but I still don't have the proper foundation garments, so it will be a few days but never fear, when I wear them, you will know. Everyone will know. Strangers on the STREET will know!]

[Edit 2 to add some better pictures. I was just making an attempt to go through my closet (completely overwhelming) and on the top shelf were two pairs of jeans that I just tossed up there when I moved in a year ago. I haven't been able to wear them since about 2008. I pulled down one pair and pulled them on. Lo and BEHOLD, they fit! \0/ So, a few more (better pictures for todays progress report):

My thighs vex me. Anyhoo, there are some better pictures in jeans that are not at least one if not 2 sizes too big. ]

Happy Friday, blog people!

I have news! The most mundane first: I have procured one of those popular reflective surfaces, used for the purpose of viewing oneself. Known as a mirror. That’s right, no more dark yellow shots from the bathroom of my office building. Now you’ll get dark yellow shots from my apartment. UPGRADE!

The mirror is conveniently located 3 rooms away, where I will not inadvertently stumble upon it and accidentally see myself. That would NEVER do. I also don’t want to sit around just lookin’ at myself. I’m sure I’ll never be vain.

Next, since I have purchased a full length mirror, that will make my monthly update pictures on the 20th that much more awesome. Wee.

NEXT, Remember that I had a set of goals, and my reward for hitting said goals?

240 (29lbs down)- Used to be my ‘I can’t get any fatter than this’ weight. I am currently between 6 and 9 lbs over this. Once I reach 240, I will let myself buy a few new smaller things. I do have things I can shrink into, but I always like to have fresh, cute things for summer. I’m putting off shopping mostly because I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed when I get in the dressing room and I haven’t dropped as many sizes as I think I have, because I have stretched out my clothing or because the clothes I have are worn from age and use. I truly believe that clothing stretches, especially jeans. Just because my 22?s are loose doesn’t mean I wear a size 20. Or 18. So. 240 will bring a shopping trip and I hope I will see good results in the dressing room.

Well… I did a little shopping today! *jumps jumps* That’s right, I hit 240.8 this morning! Close enough for me! I am 1.8* lbs from celebrating a 30 lbs loss. I do believe I’ll be claiming that there badge on Tuesday (crosses fingers and prays to the Patron Saint of weight loss, and promises that I’m not being cocky, just hopeful, so please don’t dump 5lbs on me this weekend!)

*Never fear about rapid weight loss. My “visitor” finally arrived, and I also cleaned up my eating a lot last weekend. I believe this is all a result of getting back to good eating for me. My body is righting itself and I am feeling really good. I am sleeping a LOT, and I’ve never been so tired during a cycle. Last night I dozed off around 8 (I am usually up until midnight) and then woke at 11, and then fell back to sleep around 2am and slept till 6:30. That is a lot of sleep, even for me. But a few nights before, I didn’t get a wink. No idea what that was about, but I feel like rhythms are coming back in sync (*sniggle) and such. So. *shrug*

NEEEXXXTTT and so exciting– when I went shopping today, I bought two dresses. Cute little summer things. One is a 16. The other is an XL. Both of them went ON… One will look much better with better foundation garments. The other needs a few lbs (and a miracle) but I am going to use it as a goal dress. That’s the XL. Or I might take it back, I don’t know. I’ll model them both on Sunday as best I can, but won’t use them for progress pics because I’ll need to wear something slimming underneath and I think that would be cheating. Lol, I’m not really that thin, I’m wearing 2 pairs of spanx!

That’s my good, wonderful, exciting news for the day. It’s Friday, Jillian and I are spending an evening apart (I totally told her to bite me, the other night). I will be back on it with Level 2 tomorrow morning and then I HAVE TO go to the grocery store. I’ve been avoiding it for some reason, like there is a force field around Kroger. I have a list and everything. Bleh. I just hate doing it and carrying the bags in. I need a man, just for that.

And some other stuff.

I have thoughts swirling about other New Life Tuesday things that have nothing to do with weight. Maybe I’ll post ‘em up on Sunday. Till then,

Good afternoon, Good evening, and Good night!

Healthy You Check in for : June 15th!

Beginning weight: 269

Last week’s weight: 245

Today’s numbah:

242.8!!!! OH MY GAWD!

Change since last week: -2.2 lb

Total Loss: 26.2 lbs!

The last month at a glance:

HOLY CRAP I HAVE PASSED THE 25LBS LOST MARK! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! I cannot tell ya’ll how excited I am about that! I feel like I have been fighting for that pound for a MONTH. I finally had to get strict with myself and clean up my eat a LOT, which I’ll talk about a bit below. But first?

A little dance! *dances*

Wow. Just wow. I was just hoping to see 244. *shrug* WOOOO! That means I am 2.8 lbs from my first milestone, which is 240. Go shawty! It’s my birfday!

Now that we’ve got THAT out of the way, I hinted on Sunday that I was putting together a list of goals, a set of Top 5′s. I did those, and they might get a trim or an update or a switch-out or two, but I made them. I’ll post them here and will put them in the sidebar so that they’re always in front of me. I now present my Top 5′s :

Top 5 Physical Changes – the changes I want to see in my body

5. I want to be free of knee and ankle pain
4. I want to wear a single digit size
3. I want to be able to wear boots- regular boots. Currently my calves are too big. I also want to be able to wear heels without pain.
2. I want to comfortably wear a bathing suit on my 100 lbs lost trip next May.
1. I want to weigh 169 or lower (100 lbs lost)

Top 5 Psychological/ Supastah list – changes I want to make in my mind, or maybe some more superficial desires

5. I want to be able to take a compliment without automatically offering a qualifer- oh, this is old, or I think this is stretched out or yeah it’s baggy but I always wore my clothes baggy. Just learn to say thank you. And believe the compliment.
4. I want to go dancing and not be embarassed at seeing myself move.
3. I want to go out with friends or alone and feel comfortable, confident, and sociable. I tend to hide on the perimeter and just listen and laugh.
2. I want to lose the ‘fat friend’ mentality. Forever.
1. I want to be kind to myself, always. Not vain or delusional (I won’t be referring to myself as a badass chick or a sexyDiva anytime soon), just kind.

So here’s why setting these goals in mind are coming into play, today and why they’re going to be uber important in the next year and most specifically in the next 3 months. Yesterday, I was looking at my calendar and realized that I have about 12 weeks until I am planning to be back home visiting my family. As I’ve mentioned before, my mom is a gastric bypass patient that maintained for a long time and then in the last few months started losing again. The last time I talked to her, she was hovering at around 125. Down from about 260, so she’s lost over 100 lbs now. I’m in no way competing with my mother– I also don’t want to look like a fatass next to her. KNOWHUTAHMEAN? I also have a number of friends that I haven’t seen in awhile. I want to look amazing, when I go. There’s NO chance that I will look extremely thin or anything but I was about this size when I saw everyone last year. I thought I looked pretty good— I want to look better. I want to feel amazing.

So I have 12 weeks to get something accomplished. Note that I am not really putting a number on this (though something around 220′s would be great, if anyone’s granting wishes). I don’t want to put a number on it because I will psyche myself out about it and the anxiety will keep me from achieving it. I’m just going for it and whatever I accomplish, I am going to be happy about it. We’ll see how I do when I get there.

The knowledge that I have a reasonable span of time to do something cool for myself gets me thinking and evaluating what I am doing. So far, I’ve been doing great, I think. A few ups and downs, but overall, I feel committed to being successful thanks to this blog, my readers and friends and the great support from the Healthy You Blog community. My highest ever weight was 269. This year started off at around 260. I kicked it up a notch in April at 258. I’m currently 245 and I’ve been bouncing between 245 and 249 for quite some time. A few weeks, at least.  I think my exercise game is pretty tight– I mean I could work harder, sure. And I will. But I work out nearly 7 days a week… I have missed 2 out of the last 40 days. Straight. So my issue can only be with my eating.

Now, I’ve received a lot of advice and some books and information, and trust that I am digging into all of that. What I’ve been looking at, in reviewing my logs from the last two months is that I’m a bit of a schizophrenic eater. Some days I eat lowfat, namely when I want to eat white flour/starchy carbs. Some days I eat lowcarb, getting in lean protein and vegetables. That doesn’t seem to be working for me. And it won’t in the long run, because when I look at my chart, I see a lot of bouncing in the last few weeks. Some of that can be attributed to changing my exercise regimen– some of it can be attributed to not being able to decide if I’m a lowcarber or a lowfatter. I know my body chemistry. I know what works for me. I must must must commit to a controlled carbohydrate lifestyle and I MUST be strict about it. If I am a lowcarber, bread is not a part of my plan (unless it is whole grain). If I am a lowcarber, potatoes and cereal and milk are also not a part of my plan. Those foods don’t work well with my body- I get sleepy and/or belly achey. They are not foods I should be eating with any sense of regularity, and lately, they’ve been staples.

This isn’t to say that I’ll NEVER EAT BREAD AGAIN, OMFG !!!111!!thirtyeleven! It means that my regular, normal eating and way of life does not include those foods. When I eat off plan, it takes me a day or two to work that off. Those are days wasted, to me. I cannot stand a one step up and two steps back effort. Just keep moving forward. And stop trying- DO IT.

So I’m DOING IT. I went grocery shopping and I got foods I can eat, because my wallet is also going on a diet. I eat out almost every meal. I know, bad. So I got some food to tide me till payday (today) and now I get to stock my house and COOK and have food on hand that I can eat. I am tightening up my eating. I am doing The Shred through June, plus a few days a week I am tossing in The Firm or Cardio Barre. I am cutting off eating at 8pm, I am not staying up all night dinking around doing nothing on the internet. I am getting good sleep so that I can be refreshed and energized for the following day. No excuses. Setting those goals, keeping them in front of me and DOING IT.

What are YOUUUUUUUUUUU doing?

Okay. I have to talk about yesterday, because WHAT A DAY! WOO!

The word yesterday sounds weird when you say it a few times. Ya know? So….

I woke up stupid early, because I got an email on my phone (it was charging, next to my head) and it happened to wake me up. It’s hard for me to go back to sleep once I wake up, so I grabbed the laptop (always near me) and started checking email etc that rolls in at night. This invariably leads me to Facebook or Twitter. I logged on to Facebook where someone had linked the latest episode of Losing It w/ Jillian Michaels.

I haven’t ever been a big Jillian fan– I’ve seen about 4 episodes of Biggest Loser. That was it, before I decided it was not a show I wanted to get into. Jillian seems very ‘screamy’ which isn’t motivating to me, at all. I’d quit under that kind of pressure. So when word came that she got a new show, I’d already decided I had no interest in watching it. What made me watch this epi with the Mastropietro Family, I don’t know, but WOW. This show goes SO FAR in making Jillian seem less machine and more human. This family is so warm and loving, so close and yet so far away from each other. She spends 5 days with them, helping to uncover old hurts and pains, fears and insecurities, and brings them together as a family, so much closer. The best part is that they follow up with the families in six weeks, so you’re not left hanging. I really really liked it and will probably do the Season Pass on the TiVo and catch a few more episodes.

I will not lie. There was a tear or two shed. Or hundred. A few really great quotes resonated with me:

Mom is on the bike, can’t get it going. Jillian is telling her to get it moving, she says she can’t. Jillian tells her to get it moving, she says she’s trying. Jillian says, ‘Stop trying and do it!’ Self explanatory, I think. No more ‘trying’ to lose this weight. Shut up about what I’m going to do, planning to do, want to do. Just do it.

Jillian is talking to dad, who is in danger of a heart attack, stroke and heart disease. He is seriously unhealthy. In the kitchen, watching chicken cutlets (breaded fried buttery chicken fingers) being prepared, Jillian gets the lowdown on how things work. Dad eats from sun up to sun down, until he’s satisfied. Mom says, “Or we go to bed.” Jillian says, “You never stop eating because you’re never satisfied. You eat until you’re unconcious.” I cannot count how many times I would sit down with the Super size everything meal with two apple pies, shove it all down, and then pass out. Over and over and over.

Jillian is talking to daughter, who despite having RNY Gastric Bypass surgery, still feels like a fat girl. She still has a fat girl mentality and spends a lot of time putting herself down. She’s getting married in six weeks- everyone needs to shape up for the wedding. Jillian asks her why she is opening herself up to failure. Daughter says, “I’m trying to avoid the compliments because I don’t believe them.”  Whoa. This one hit me square in the middle of the head. I cannot stand compliments. Really. Because I don’t believe them. I always think people are just trying to make me feel better, or patronizing me, or practicing reverse psychology– if they say I look like I’ve lost weight, maybe I’ll feel good about myself and actually lose weight. The thought of which pisses me off, and so I never believe it because I’m no dummy! I’m onto you people, you liars!

Oy. That one really stung.

So of course after watching the episode, I am totally jazzed up and ready for some MOAR Jillian. I started 30 Day Shred, Level 2. One word: HARD. Another word: FUN. The moves are so much more fun and faster and more animated than L1. There is a lot of floorwork, though. Which I do not like. I hate getting on the floor! Lots less jumping (my knees thank you, Jillian) and more static poses and arm work.

I then took advantage of my momentum and got dressed and went grocery shopping. I had NO food here. NONE. BAD ME. Was back by about 9:30 or so. Put some chicken on for lunch and had some yogurt and watched HGTV, as is my Saturday routine. After a nap, I got up to get ready to go to a goodbye party for some friends of mine that are moving back near their family. I pulled out a dress that I haven’t worn in three years and even then it was a bit tight. It’s a 16/18. Normally I wear a 20/22. When I picked it up, it looked awfully small and I wasn’t sure if it was going to go on… BUT IT DID!

OH EM EFF GEE! I was so excited I about peed my pants! And then I texted GreenEyes, who checked to make sure that ‘I just put on a 16/18 dress’ was a good thing before she responded, ‘wooot, send me pictures!’ So I took a couple… let’s talk about how I need a full length mirror very badly.

I was quite happy and really proud. And since it was hot as all frikken HELL yesterday in the A, it was PERFECT.

So between my nap and jumping up and down and peeing my pants (almost), I was watching some Youtube vids because my friend Spydersong did another weekly update, 7 weeks post her Gastric Sleeve surgery. I bounced around to a few videos and somehow always end up at DivaTaunia’s page. I love love love her personality, and her videos are always so fun to watch. She posted one way back when that I hadn’t seen, about her Top 5– your top 5 weight loss goals. She had 2 Top 5 lists, one for physical and one for personal, psychological. It got me thinking about my plans and goals for weight loss. What am I working toward? Why? What’s the underlying reason? And why don’t I have my goals in front of me?

So I am gonna make some, and make sure they are over in my side bar. So what if I have a ton of junk over there already– this blog is for me, right? Right. Ima need my goals up there.

On Tuesday, I’ll be posting my Top 5′s and also be talking about my thoughts on tightening the food reigns.

…for binge eating, today would be it.

It’s a cycle, isn’t it? You binge and then you backtrack and you counsel and you figure out the WHY behind the WHAT and you pledge to do better. And you do. You work hard at doing better and for a long, long time, you’re fine. You even sometimes forget to eat. Silly You.

But sometimes it’s like… a festering pool. It builds. It mounts on itself and grows and grows under the surface, but its unnoticeable. You don’t feel it, you don’t see it, you don’t know it’s coming until it’s there.

One day you wake up and you feel slightly ‘off’. Just barely. Maybe it’s lack of sleep, maybe it’s stress, maybe it’s just that it’s been so long since the last time.

Maybe it’s a few things, maybe it’s everything all at once– matter of fact, it’s most often everything all at once. The thoughts roll in. The need to control them and quell them and feed them and make them feel better roll in, too.

I am having a blah day. I have these on Fridays for some reason, lately. Maybe it’s the long week of exercise or whatever, but the last few Fridays, I just cannot wait to go home and get in the bed. Today was such a day. I got up and got dressed, and maybe I was a little disappointed because I felt like I looked smaller yesterday. No one commented. I went to the bathroom and saw myself in the full lengthy mirror and while I didn’t love what I saw, I didn’t hate it, either. Though I seemed to be bigger in that mirror than I was at home! Must be the lighting.

Anyway.

I spent my entire drive to work thinking about where I could get something to eat. My brain wanted to feed my melancholy. My tummy, on the other hand, wasn’t really into it. I could have eaten, but I wasn’t ravenous. The last few months of good eating have done a lot to rid me of cravings for things (the last few weeks, those damned lava cakes have popped up but since I have a short span of attention, I promptly forgot about them again) that I used to really dig into. I will admit to having some sugary snacks in the last couple of weeks, though. Not anywhere near a binge of course, but definitely off- plan, unless the plan was sponsored by Hostess. I didn’t hide them, I just didn’t highlight them. I counted them in my daily log of ‘stuff I ate’  but I know that even though I came under my calorie threshold, it’s not how MUCH  I eat so much as WHAT I eat. Anyway, as I was saying… my mind was in the mood for some junk. Some cereal or maybe a stop at Dunkin donuts, or McDonald’s, or maybe pop in to the gas station grocery store and grab a breakfast sandwich.

I kept driving. I turned into the little shopping area that houses Moe’s Southwest Grill and Boneheads and Doc Greens. And Smoothie King, where I could at least get something yogurty and lower sugar.

And Dunkin Donuts.

I sat there between Dunkin Donuts and Smoothie King and contemplated what I would be having.My mind tried to talk me into a hot, buttery croissant sandwich with sausage and egg and cheese.  Then I thought about why I felt the need to have something fried and fatty. And how much I’d probably lament and moan about what I ate, even though I’d count it in the log for the day, like a good girl. And then a fresh wave of ‘meh’ washed over me and everything irritated me, even the random Atlanta morning radio.

I sat and watched people walk in and out. And then I got out of the car and went inside.

My smoothie was really good.

Salt and Pepa’s heah!

Uh. So, if you were anywhere in the vicinity of me, yesterday, you were trying to stop me from banging my head against the wall, totally upset at how I flubbed up and effed myself over. Let us discuss.

[Read more →]

Healthy You Check in for June 8th!

Beginning weight: 269

Last week’s weight: 245

Today’s numbah:

245

Change since last week: 0

Total Loss:  24

The past month (click to view full size):

Forgive me blog, for I have sinned. It has been ONE day since I Shredded. LOL.

So last night I was so absolutely freaking tired. I didn’t sleep more than a few hours on Sunday night and worked a full day on Monday. I had zero energy, was cranky, and the very last thing I wanted to do was work out.  Normally I’d tell myself to suck it up and deal, but in reviewing the last 37 days in a row of exercise, I think I’ve earned myself a day or two off. So I took it. And it felt good.

I was getting a little worried that I might be becoming addicted to working out–  not really in the sick sense, but in the sense that I worry that I won’t keep going if I give my body the break it needs. I needed to be able to rest a day and pick it back up the next day. By this point, exercise is kind of rote– I come home, I change, I pop in the VHS or the DVD, I eat dinner, I relax for the night.  On the weekends, I work out before I shower and dress for the day. This is my schedule, now. It has felt weird to do anything else, so my guess is that tonight when I get home, I’ll fall into the same routine that I’ve established over the last month or so.  I never meant to create a streak of exercise days in a row… that wasn’t ever my intention. I was doing a month of walking, and then switching to something else. Something else turned into a 30 day program.

I’ll likely make up the day I missed somewhere toward the end, or on a day when I just have way too much energy, I will do two levels or something. Or it’ll spill onto July 1st. Whatevs.

I’m cool with the no change in weight, too! Saturday morning I was up to 249, so I’ll take 245, no problem. I monitor my weight daily, because I like to know what’s going on and make corrections if I seem to be going in the wrong direction. The scale has been up since I started Shredding, what with adding the weights and the higher impact exercise. If I saw 250, I was going to hurt someone, so I’m glad the tip of the gain stopped at 249, and now we’re back down to normal. If I hadn’t have tracked my gains and losses every day, I’d have had no idea I was up that high and I wouldn’t have taken precautions to correct it.  I’m glad I did that.

So. I am still sitting at -24lbs. Can I please get under 245 sometime this year? Damn.

Got to get ready for work and get my day underweigh. Didja see what I did there? HA! Looking forward to seeing how my other HealthyYou’ers are doing today!

I’d warn the boys to look away but I am going to talk about boobs and… well… *shrug*

So. I have a confession.

A secret, if you will.

Ready? Lean in close. Closer.

I…*looks around*… stuff my bra. *sits back*

I do. I mean, not for fullness or anything because *looks at self* voluptuous ain’t just a word, it’s a way of life, at Chez Curvy! But really… no one talks about this on weight loss blogs, ever so I never brought it up, but I have… sensitivity. Yeah, we’ll call it that.

Okay, my boobs hurt. And I don’t mean just from walking or bouncing or what not because there’s that but it took me forever to find out that the tenderness and shooting pain was coming from the nipple. I don’t know what causes it but OMGithurts. It wasn’t until I saw a tip from The Impatient Dieter, about putting those sponge makeup pads into your bra, that someone actually talked about it. I thought it was just me!

Damn you, internet! You’re supposed to make me feel like I’m not alone! I was feeling alone! Does no one else have this problem?

So, on occaision, when my workout is very strenuous and I am sweating a LOT, I will experience a lot of pain in my left breast. This had happened before, like when I took a belly dance class, I had to stop because both were hurting so badly. That was last fall! And every once in awhile since then, I will experience some pain that I just push through. I figured it was because I need better bras (which I probably do still but anyway).  The other night toward the end of my Shred workout, the pain started up and by now it’s just frigging annoying. The next day I decided to try a little trick.

I took some tissue and folded it up and stuffed it into my bra over the nipple. On both sides. And worked out.

>insert Hallelujah chorus<

It worked! No pain! No sensitivity! No stopping, clutching my breast and almost screaming! It worked.

So now you know my secret. I stuff my bra.

What’s your fitness secret?

I got brave today, since my friend SkinnyEmmie has been vlogging about her “Get Emmie Skinny“ program (which is FANTASTIC  by the way, and if you haven’t visited Emmie’s blog, I encourage you to!) so I decided to just do this while I felt like it.

Third times the charm, or that’s what I hear. I chat a little about The Shred Day 3 whoa, hush yo’ mouf! Day FIVE! and some eating issues that I hadn’t dealt with in a long time. I guess I still have some head problems to work through.
Darn. Just when I thought I was perfect. *snickersnort*

Here’s a video. It’s really weird watching myself on video. I sound like that? I look like that? How embarrassing, kinda.

Thursday, June 3rd. Incoming text message:

Friend: Did you shred?

Me: (way overexcited) YEP! And I did The FIRM. I’m crazy.

Friend: You need a new hobby.

So, yeah. I’m kind of crazy? The last two days I’ve been craving a simple, low impact aerobics workout. I dug out my worn VHS (yep, it’s so old it came out on VHS and never on DVD) of The Firm Basics: Fat Burning Workout:

The Firm Basics: Fat Burning Workout

It’s about 25 minutes… a nice warm up and then about 20 minutes of 4 limb movement, very simple moves, but effective in getting the heart rate up and the sweat pouring. And then I put in my Shred DVD and get in my zone. I’m at the point where I don’t even watch it, I just listen to the music and do the reps. If I listen to her talk, for some reason, it makes the segment seem longer.

I am still on Level 1. I was able to do a few jumping moves but not many. More than I could the first time. At day 10, I want to switch to Level 2, so I need to get to where Level 1 is not a huge challenge for me. I’m no longer sore and falling over after my work out. I hope this means that my muscles have stopped rebelling and have stopped retaining water, because ye godz!

I intended to blog last night but I passed clean OUT. And then today was actually a really busy day, despite the fact that no one was in the office and no thanks to Boss (who is on vaca) emailing twice a day to ask ‘what’s going on?’ Dude. Everything. Busy. Bye.

I’ve just had dinner, and I’m very proud that even though I said I didn’t want hushpuppies when I got my meal, they gave them to me anyway and I didn’t eat them. I’m not proud that I was full and I didn’t stop eating… but did you guys know that cabbage is delicious?

I’m almost sure that my Tuesday weigh in will either be no change or a few lbs up. I’m just preparing myself for that right now. I mean, I’ll take a huge loss, but I’m almost sure it’s not coming. And that’s… okay.

I also took some pics. I’ll post them when I take my end of the month pics for comparison. But uhm… ew.

I still didn’t measure. I suck. I’ll try to stop in and get a tape measure somewhere.

I SO did not want to work out last night. I had every intention of going home and gingerly settling down onto my very sore rear end and just sitting there until it was dark, and then sort of tipping myself over so I could lay down and fall asleep.

Remind me to never make mention that I plan to skip a work out. Peer pressure is a biatch! My friends DEMANDED and cajoled and coerced me into going home, changing clothes, and firing up the DVD player. Jillian and I spent about 20 minutes of close, personal time together.

Day 2 was not too shabby! Whereas on Day 1, she said start with jumping jacks and I laughed and tried it and my feet didn’t leave the ground, on Day 2, I actually got some in! I also was able to do the jump rope and the butt kicks (modified and pretty low impact) but I did them! I was really proud of myself.

The work out is made up of circuits, a 3-2-1 design: 3 minutes of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio, 1 minute of abs= 1 circuit. Each level has 3 circuits. The first circuit, to me is the hardest. I feel like the hardest moves are in that one. I love the punching  and I LOVE the arm rows and such in circuits 2 and 3. I dislike lunges intensely, but I even did those!

Afterward, I was sweaty and hot and tired and SO SORE. And then an hour later I was EVEN MORE SORE. And in the middle of the night I got up to use the bathroom and OOF.  I almost fell, my thighs hurt so bad. Really, I had a hard time even sitting down. You know… on the toilet.

Understandably, I am up a few lbs because I am now using weights and working muscles that I didn’t use while walking. My muscles are retaining water and I expect to be up for a few days. I probably will not do anything strenuous on Monday because Tuesday is my weigh in. Until then, I am working hard!

I had planned to keep walking but seriously… this is still kicking my butt in the way that new things kick butts until you get used to them. I might toss in a 1 or 2 mile walk next week to warm up before I Shred.

Uh, we’ll see.

Today I have a burning urge to do the Firm so I might pull that one out.

Can anyone explain where this new found desire to exercise came from? It’s scaring me.

And people in my office no longer come running when I stand up and go ‘OW!’  They’re already tired of my whining.