Category — Friends

Happy Hump Day Blog people!  I’m a little sad, today. Just a little.

One of my bestest friends here in Atlanta is leaving. :( She and her husband are new parents, and as such, life has really changed for them. Certain things move up the list of importance and ‘adult’ matters like life insurance and safety seats and settling down. Their family lives in South Florida, and that’s where they’re moving back to. I’m really happy that they’ll be back among family and such. Sad that they’re leaving me. Pooo.

This makes me feel all… magenta. I’m trying hard not to feel like everyone around me is getting married and having kids and growing up and leaving.  Here I am on the cusp of my late 30′s doing not a whole lot of anything. And not even trying to. I’ve been lecturing myself lately on things I want that I am not going after. I don’t know how I expect things to come to me if I don’t beckon them and how I expect things to fall into my lap if I don’t take my lap somewhere. My same old excuses pop up:  I want to lose some weight first. I don’t have any money. I’m tired/busy/shy.

Bleh.

Thing is… I don’t really want to have any children. I don’t even want a pet. Let’s face it, I can’t remember to feed myself, let alone an animal. I am too selfish for children. I can’t commit to a plant right now. I don’t want to move away. I am probably about as settled as I am going to get, at the moment. I have the bills of a fully grown adult– Sallie Mae, Wells Fargo Auto Loans, rent, utilities, cell phone. I live alone, on my own. In my own zip code (my dad says you’re not grown until you have your own place in a zip code that is not the same as his–because when I turned 18 I declared myself an adult and he corrected me, harshly) I pay all my bills every month on my own, without outside assistance. I make donations and have fun plans with friends and read books and write things and travel when I can.

Why is it that I feel like I am not a grownup, doing grownup things? Because I am not married with a mortgage? Because there is no we, just a me? There is no us? There is no ‘our’?

I hate my mind, sometimes. It’s such a dangerous place to be.

I can always tell when Girly Time is imminent. I get all emotional about things I usually don’t think about. And I spend an immense amount of time looking at other people’s lives and measuring mine against them.

Post 2! Thanks for reading and commenting. Again, if you’d like to comment but you’d rather not do so in public, please feel free to email me at curvyjones[at]diaryofcurvyjones or mocahgirl[at]gmail.

At the top of this post on the right hand side you’ll see  a directory of sorts. All posts in this series will be tied together. You can view other posts in this series by clicking on the link in the directory.

This is a long entry, I apologize. I was going to cut it but decided to let it be. It’ll be here if you get tired of reading and want to come back later! ;)

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The Easy Stuff:

This is post 1 of a series of posts, simply so that people don’t have to read a thesis on my life– and neither do I, when I read back. There’s a bit of “about me” stuff floating around the Diary already but I have provided some background for better understanding. If I don’t know where I’ve come from, I won’t be able to guage where I am or where I am going.

Edit: My mom sent me an email tonight to tell me that my dad is in town. Until the 10th. >insert blank stare here< I decided to go ahead and post this so that I can appropriately freak out tomorrow and people will have more of an idea of why I am freaking out.

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They say confession is good for the soul. My soul should be all good, after this week!

Borrowed from the Internet. Thanks!

• In review: I still hate the Olympics and socks. I still really don’t like Mr. Mayer.
• Ever since I fell down a flight of stairs last year, I’m kind of afraid of stairs and I avoid them like the plague. Curbs too. I just see myself hurling over the edge. I confess that I’ve turned into a wuss and that bugs me.
• Sometimes, especially in the winter, I will come home on Friday, get into bed and not get back out of it until Sunday. I confess I really look forward to that, some weeks.
• I confess that I have never had a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. I’ve never had a date on Valentine’s Day.  I confess that kind of makes me sad, every year, as much as it shouldn’t really matter because it’s a Hallmark Holiday and  we should show romantic love everyday, not just on Feb 14th.  The first time I actually have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day??? That poor, poor man.
• I’ve been dieting. I’ve lost about 10 lbs. I confess I think I gained it back, this week. I tried to take a day off for the SuperBowl. It’s turned into an off week.
• Last week I made a decision to stop doing something that was doing more harm than good, as least from my perspective. I confess that although it leaves some people in a bind, I feel relief.
• I had something in this spot that I was going to confess. It was sex and toys related but… I’m glad I saved this as a draft because I decided not to post it. I confess I’m a coward and I’m scared people will think I’m stupid and immature. Holy cow and thank God for being skittish.
• Sometimes I read warnings on bottles and wonder what the hell happened that made them put that warning on that label. Like who’s dumb enough to do some of this stuff? Then I figure it must have happened, so now they specifically warn people not to do it. It must be why they also have warnings at the beginning of JACKASS.
• Sometimes I feel like I’m about 60 years old. And sometimes I feel like I’m about 13.
• My mom sent me an e-card yesterday. She’s never done that before. It really warmed my heart. I confess I almost didn’t send a card back to her. I don’t do well with touchy feely emotiony kinds of things.  I usually just eat. I did, though.
• I’m addicted to my blog stats. I look, all the time, several times a day, to see what people are looking at on my blog. I never thought I was all that interesting. Some days, you guys agree. :/ [Read more →]

In an effort to blog more, I’ve been looking for some memes or something to encourage daily posting. Found a fun one and I hope you participate!

This meme is from Sunday Stealing. Its called the Pretentious Blogger Meme, lol.
1. How long have you been blogging?

Counts…. well, regularly here since August.  I’ve tried, in some form or another, to have a blog in the past but I never found myself interesting enough to write about. I’m trying, now, to have more of a diary type thing than a popular blog where I postulate and pretend to know a lot of things about stuff. I just want to blog about life and things.

2. What made you start?

I found I had things to say, stuff I wanted to talk about. The Diary was born.

3. Who inspired you?

I’ll do the PC answer… I follow a lot of bloggers because I’m inspired by real people telling their life stories, a post at a time. People who are open and funny and real. I’d say, if your blog shows up on my blog roll or my reader, you inspire me.

4. About how many hours a week would you estimate you spend on your blog?

Depends on the week. Some weeks, less than 1. Some weeks I spend hours a day here.

5. What kind of experience or background do you have with writing?

Until recently, no professional experience. I feel like I write well, but I don’t focus a lot on proper grammar rules and editorial aspects of writing. I’m more of a fiction writer– I prefer to make things up. Non fiction (and my life is pretty much non fiction) is hard for me, but I wanted to press myself to do some things that weren’t easy and expand my repertoire.

6. Talk about how you come up with blog topics. Where do you get your ideas?

Usually it’s something sparked from conversation on twitter, message boards, or real life. Sometimes from TV or music. Sometimes ‘ripped from the headlines’. Recently I’ve been trying to gather a list of ‘things to talk about’ because I get a little dry and boring.

7. What or who inspires you and your blog?

Is it me or did I already answer this?

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Anyone who’s known me for longer than five minutes will tell you that I’m a big fan of two bands: Bon Jovi and Dave Matthews Band. I’ve been a fan of Bon Jovi since I was about……God, I don’t know, TWELVE?!? New Jersey and Slippery When Wet were the anthem of my Jr High and High School years. Just the beginning strains of ‘Never Say Goodbye’ is enough to make me GO BUY a Bic Lighter so I could flip my bic and sway and sing/cry along. Gah. I love them! And Bon Jovi has just gotten so much better with age, evolving and changing with the times. LOVE their new rocky, gravelly, southern sound…grrrooowwwllll…. NUM.

DMB, on the other hand, was an acquired taste. I didn’t like them, at first. At all. Too mellow, too sleepy, I can’t understand a word that one cute guy up front says, he mumbles too much and that guy is playing an electric fiddle. COME ON. So they were a big fat NO, until I got a job working with a guy that… now when I say LOVES, that’s probably a major understatement… but he LOVES DMB. Owns everything they’ve ever thought of recording, goes to every show he can attend, and has for years. A real true-blue honest to goodness fan. One year, our company sent him, me, and one other guy (one of his besties, coincidentally) to a conference in Orlando. MOST fun I’ve ever had at a work conference. The days sucked, cause it’s just traveling from one booth to another, looking at boring things I have no intention of buying or even research when I get back to the office, but the nights? Awesome.

It was in Orlando in the spring, so it was warm. They rented a convertible and since I don’t drink much, I was nominated the Designated Driver. No big, I got to drive a convertible around Orlando and sit with these guys who put the FUN in funny. I was told I am the funnest non-drinker ever. At some point over the weekend, I was inducted into the DMB fandom. Love those guys. [Read more →]

…on my own blog. I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. It was there, and I was tempted, and it was interesting. I’m sorry baby. It won’t happen again!

One of my Real Life Friends (as opposed to my friends hat only live inside the computer) runs a blog called Journey to Blissville and goes by the name of Tex. Cause… she lives in Texas. Clever, huh. We do so love Tex and her penchant for foods I cannot pronounce, her happy-go-lucky-and-excited-about-every-damn-thing nature… even if she s annoyingly cheerful.  Tex created the phrases I repeat often, like “Damn Hondurans” (she’s Honduran, that’s not random), “living in Dick Cheney’s America” (it’s hard, according to Tex), and “Al Gore’s Internets” (which isn’t new but I didn’t start saying it till she did). Tex is one of the three bandits… KFlo and Tex and I run Houston ragged.  I hear you laughing, blog. We went to a strip club once. It sucked, but we went.

AN-T-WAY. This blog isn’t even about Tex. It’s about her blogroll. She’s such a vibrant person that any friend (or blog)  of  Tex is a friend (or blog) I want to meet (or read). I sauntered down her blogroll one day and came to a GREAT blog called He Loves Me Not, the story of Sarah and her journey from broken and broken hearted to a major personal success story.

I’d been reading bits and pieces, here and there as new posts came up in my Google Reader, but I became more and more confused because I didn’t know the history behind some of the current posts. So this weekend, I took it alllllllllllll the way back. To 2005.  And oh. [Read more →]

Reposted from my Livejournal:

Writer’s Block Question:

Have you ever said something to an online friend that you would never say in person? Do you think it’s easier to discount real feelings when a relationship takes place largely online? Can the emotional disconnect become habit-forming?

I try really, really hard to be genuine. To be the same offline as I am online– to an extent.

For me, if I know you and know you well, when we hang out IRL as opposed to online I am the same person- sometimes turned up, sometimes turned down, but I’m me. I pride myself on my witty, sarcastic humor and sometimes deadpan delivery. Most of my friends are utterly foolish and hilarious. I love this about them! That’s why I keep them around. :) I’m a straightforward person, online and offline, and I think that is what my friends admire about me the most. I really do tell it like it is, whether it benefits you or not.

I have a problem, though. With people I don’t know, I’m painfully shy, to the point of being completely mute. Chances are that I would not be as genuine as I’d like to be, but I’m a little bit incapable of bullshit. If you ask me a question, I am going to tell you what I think, honestly, but with tact. Honesty without tact is just being an asshole. In that sense, online or off, I’d probably say the same thing. It’s just that if I know you well, I’m probably going to just come out and say it, as opposed to being asked to say it.

So, have I said something online that I’d never say in person? Probably. But not often. I’m not one to hide behind an online persona. I am who I am, whether it’s turned up or turned down.

As someone who’s been online for… gosh… years, I’ve developed real friendships with the people inside my computer. I think you have to purpose to discount people’s feelings… I don’t think that comes naturally, or with ease, which is why people get so addicted to the internet. It becomes more than words on a page, a picture and a paragraph. To me, some people are as real as if they are sitting next to me.

For others, especially on bulletin boards, eBullies and eGangstas seem to run rampant. It’s like people get a lot of joy out of being as mean and crass as possible, hiding behind an anonymous name. I’d venture a guess that 99% of eBullies wouldn’t say the things they say if they were standing right in front of me. I’ve never had someone actually meet me in person and then pop off online with some bullshit. It’s grandstanding, performing for the people reading and watching.

Like anyone else, I have enemies. People my age and older who’ve had really ‘not nice’ things to say about me. Just once, I’d like to meet one of these people and ask them to repeat the mean shit they’ve said. Bet they can’t do it.

(This post is long and mostly for me, so if you don’t want to read it, I’m not bothered by it. *sniff* So… just… skip over it to something happy. *glances over shoulder to see if you’re watching*)

MEH. That’s about how I’m feeling, right now. I was doing pretty good, until a few days ago, and now I’m all MEH.

Short story long, here’s what had happened:

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used without permission from flickr.com

Oh, Blog. I am home.

I am home from Holiday Partay Number One. I……………..did not want to go.

I really debated with myself as to if I was actually going to go. Around 3:00 I laid down for a nap, so I could be awake and alert. At 6:00 I woke up and did. not. want. to. leave. the house! I sat here till about 7:00 and made myself get up and get dressed. I have a sheer, frilly Apple Bottoms blouse that I wore awhile back when some friends were here. Put it on and a tank under it, some dark jeans and heeled boots. Then I happened to be checking my hair in the mirror, and it turns out that blouse has a huge rip in it.

WOW. I was so close to not noticing it and embarrassing myself.

So I changed. And did my hair and my makeup and found my earrings and got in the car and got to the party. It’s an annual thing, all of boss’s friends, Our CIO, CFO, and the infamous VP of Sales as well as the CEO of one of our subsidiaries. Everyone’s in black… I’m in like.. maroon. Everyone’s wearing slacks and dresses. I’m in jeans.

I don’t really give a rip. Lol.

I had been there about an hour, schmoozing and nursing a diet coke (YAY they had soda, and this yummy funkychunky popcorn drizzled with chocolate and mixed with nuts stuff… OMG. CRACK.) and they start handing out assignments for the 12 Days of Christmas. What’s funny about this is most people have been there since 7. There’s food and drink and music. Executives + Open bar = drunk by 9. So the 12 Days of Christmas with drunk people is actually kind of funny. They hand out each verse to the song so whoever has, you know… however many maids a milking (I’m too lazy to ask Al Gore’s Internet) gets to sing that part. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Golden Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiings!

Then one of the partygoers and I got into a chat about last year’s party. She and a friend got a lil tipsy and decided to find out which floor Elton John lived on. So they pressed every button in the elevator until they found it. Walked around up there (there’s a vestibule before you get to the actual front door). He has a lot of art and it’s painted a weird grayish color. Those Brits. ;)

So it was fun. Not a rager, but I’m glad I ventured out, if only for a few hours. Now I am home and warm and in bed, munching on some Cheetos and having a Sunkist, waiting to watch my favorite show right now, Criminal Minds. Have you see this show? UGH! If you’re into CSI and the like, check it out. Faaaaaavorite and yes that is Thomas Gibson from Darma and Greg! He does a fabulous job as Hotch. I also enjoy Shemar Moore as Morgan and Matthew Gubler as Reid and Mandy Patinkin as Jason Gideon. I miss him. Joe Mantegna does nothing for me.

Okay, I’m done rambling. You’d think I had a drink or something.

Before I go, I’ve decided that in order to make myself blog, I am going to make a list of 10 of my favorite things and write about them. That oughta be FUN, huh? Yeah.

Hello World!

I’m here! I’ve been recovering from the Month of Writing Dangerously, aka NaNoWriMo. You know, sleeping, showering, eating, doing anything BUT writing. It’s been good and fun. Funny thing is, I’m kind of itching to get back to writing. I just sort of don’t want to look at my manuscript right now.

I am suddenly a social butterfly, it would seem. Odd. I’m kind of a loner. I have invites to two parties and my friend Kary is coming to visit in a couple of weeks. I’ve actually never met Kary, I only know her online. We’ve talked for a long time and share a love of the same band. Plus she is supercool supergood people and lots of fun, so I’m REALLY excited to be meeting her.

So, -this Saturday is Holiday Party #1- My boss’ Annual Holiday Bash. I don’t want to go. But I am making myself go. I know I will have fun once I get there. His wife is a delightful woman, I really enjoy her. So I’ll go and stay a few hours at least. My boss lives in the same building that Janet Jackson and Elton John have condos in. So, yeah slightly upscale.

Party #2 is not until the 13th and should be less fancy.  I mean, kids will be in the basement. It is my CFO’s Annual Party. I have been promised good food. Looking forward to THAT!

I often find that it isn’t that I’m anti-social… it’s that I party differently than others. I don’t really drink much, because I’m always driving. Party Hosts often assume everyone is drinking and rarely have juice or diet soda available. Which leaves me to bring my own. How lame do I look, walking around with a six pack of diet cherry Pepsi? Hmmm. I think both parties will turn out fine.

Not to mention, I am kind of shy. I KNOW! You’d never guess, huh? I’m socially awkward, I was never really taught how to be sociable. A good time for me is hanging out in the corner, watching people, waiting until I feel like I ‘know’ some people before jumping in. I like for people to ‘get to know me’ before meeting me. It takes the pressure off and I can be myself.  This is why I LOVED online dating. Until I met every freak, weirdo, scam artist and pansy who didn’t know what he wanted so he thought he’d drag me along for the ride while he figured it out.

OY.

Also in my world, I haven’t done any Christmas shopping. And I’m starting to stress out about it! It’s not that I don’t have the money, I just don’t want to shop. I’m not quite in the spirit yet. I’m going to see if I can drum some up over the weekend. I have Secret Santas and nephews to get gifts for. And MYSELF! MYSELF needs a gift!

This year I am hoping to get me a big-dang-TV and surround sound system. We’ll see. It’s a lot of money that I’m kind of not willing to spend on myself. But I know I will enjoy it once I have it. So I should just bite the bullet and do it. Huh?

Meh.

Is it vacation time, yet?

Lefou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking. A dangerous pasttime, I know.

I’m one of those people that likes new, shiny things. New? I want it. I don’t even know what Google Wave is but I wanted an account with one and now I have it and I have not one clue what I am supposed to do with. But I have it and I love it. Whatever it is.

When Twitter and Facebook popped up, I decided I wanted to be one of the cool kids and jumped all on the bandwagon. Then jumped off. Then jumped back on and I’m pretty much hanging on, for now. Twitter is pretty darn fun– I don’t use it to proselytize or to sell or to spam or to preach or wax political. Basically, twitter exists for me to have real time chat with the silly people in my life I call my friends. And some celebrities.  I figure, if you don’t want to be talked to, lock your account so I can’t talk to you, or get off of twitter. *shrugs* Sometimes I can’t control my mouth, and I “talk “to whoever is around to “listen”. It’s also allowed me to meet some great people and chat about things I’d never find people to talk with me about in real life. It’s a big giant check mark in the WIN column for me.

Facebook, for me, is an entirely different animal. A lot of people use Facebook to network and collect friends. Or play games.  I keep a tight group of people on my Facebook list o’ friends. I don’t add everyone I’ve ever known. I don’t add anyone I work with. I don’t add anyone who might feel the need to ask my parents ‘what’s up with your daughter’s Facebook statuses?’ because frankly my parents can just barely check email. They have no idea what Facebook is.  I like to keep it that way. My mom went through a brief obsession with Instant Messaging. I curse the person who taught her how to use IM.

So, no my Facebook is not a hodgepodge of people I barely know and don’t talk to. Most of the people there are old friends  from back home in Spokane. Some are in LA. Some are in Florida, and Colorado and New York and Seattle. And some are in Atlanta. Mostly people I wouldn’t even have a connection with anymore, had it not been for Facebook.

Something weird is happening, with Facebook, though. People are starting to come out of the woodwork. People I haven’t talked to in years, for reasons we both know. About issues we’re both aware of– wanting to rekindle friendships and relationships and uhm……… I’m not into it.

It’s not that I’m not a forgiving person. There’s nothing to forgive. At some point in my life, though I developed an attitude where I put the past behind me, because the past was toxic. It clung to me like sewer waste. It was dark and depressing and I hated the old me and her life and the people she chose to be around. It wasn’t anyone particular or specific, it was… a time and a place.  I had to get away from it and start over and create a whole new ‘me’. And for the most part, the new me is awesome and I like her and her new positive not toxic time and place and influences.

I believe I have discovered the downside to Social Media. The people you want to hide from, the people you don’t want to find you, the friendships you don’t want to rekindle, the noses you don’t want in your business creep back into your life, nearly imperceptibly. One by one. Little by little. Until one day you wake up and you’re surrounded by something that looks and smells familiar. And you can’t remember how it got there.

It’s a terrible feeling. Even more terrible, when you’re the only one in control of what happens, and you’re the one that’s been happily approving and smiling and laughing and approving and being joyful and changed and approving and approving and approving and then you stop and slap yourself and say WHOA. What are YOUUUUUUUU doing??????

You know what all of this reminds me, though? About how I haven’t let go of the past. I haven’t put it behind me, and healed and become a new person. I’m the same old me, who put some stuff out of sight (because for me, out of sight, out of mind. And even if you’re in sight, I’m probably not paying attention unless I want to). I still feel the same amount of heavy heart and pain and misunderstanding and dejectedness that I felt before I let people go. That was the REASON I let them go. Why in the stuff did I let them back in?

I’m reminding myself of something I preach all the time– I control my own life and its course. Yeah yeah destiny and fate and stuff, but who I keep around me is in my complete control. I can’t complain about things I’m not willing to change, right?

Well. I want my right to complain. The choice becomes do I a) try to mend broken fences? Fences I don’t want mended, in particular, but just do it, cause I should? or b) put it out of sight again and move on.

*SIGH*

Call me a coward but ‘B’ sounds like a great option. I just don’t have the energy… or really the will or desire for ‘A’, right now.  There are people I just don’t want back in my life, right now. Maybe not ever.

Is that bad? Is it evil to not want to mend things? To want to just walk away and leave the past in the past? Or is that evidence of some baggage I don’t want to deal with and should?

I don’t honestly know. I wish I did. For now, I’m just leaving things where they sit.

I don’t have much time to blog tonight, because i’m halfway dolled up and getting ready to go out with two wonderful, beautiful, hilarious women. Friends are great to have… if ever a person is in a place where they feel they don’t need friends…evaluate yourself! They are a gift.. I know mine are, every last one of them.

So today we went shopping for some cute duds to wear out, tonight. I got a lot of food for thought, and mentioned to one friend that sometimes I look at people, like their body shape, and try to determine what I;m going to look like when I’m thinner. When I’m thinner. Not IF I hit my goal, but when I’m thinner. [Read more →]

Q: Do you ever go out to dinner (at a sit-down restaurant) by yourself?

A Yep. All the time. I take a good book and enjoy myself.

It’s usually great, but the waitstaff must think that person eating by themselvevs = lonely so they talk to me nonstop, asking every 32 seconds if the meal is good, if everything is fine. LEAVE ME ALONE, I’m trying to eat!

Certain places are social situations, but for the most part, I can go anywhere alone and eat. I had to get over that, very quickly, if I wanted to do anything outside of my house, since most of my friends don’t live here.

Because I’m not doing much work, today.