Moved to tears

I’m thinking a lot… A LOT about the work I have to do. I should be taking this one day at a time, I guess my mind doesn’t work that way. Anyway, sometimes when I’m thinking about something, it’s so weird that I read something that someone else wrote that is exactly what I was thinking.

I was catching up on blog posts this morning and read that one of my fave weight loss bloggers Chris would be guest posting today at MsFitOnline– a site I’ve never been to. I clicked on her link and read her post (I normally don’t read guest posts) and I am sitting here at work trying not to cry into my yogurt. It’s a beautiful post and so amazingly expresses what’s in my heart right now. Not from the perspective of me a year from now, but the feelings of the ‘her’ from a year ago. The reasons I had to get up out of the bed and off the couch. The reasons (the real ones) that I decided I had to hop on the train again. One more time.

I hope no one minds if I share it here… I’d like to come back to it again and again.

If I could write a letter to the me of a year ago this is what I would say….

Dear self,

As you stood there today, eyes locked on that mirror….looking at a stranger that you hadn’t really noticed before.

A stranger that you have been trying to avoid seeing for years….

By avoiding mirrors and family photos, wearing baggy clothing in dark colors.

By being everybody’s fat friend.

By cracking jokes about your weight.

By being the endlessly patient and caring person who never imposes.

Who never asks, never wants, and never  needs.

And by never asking, or wanting, or needing,

You have somehow become a person who never lives, or even feels….

The embarrassment that swept over you in cold waves…

The need to flee…

The urge to run …

From what it was that you were seeing.

From what you suddenly knew everyone else could see.

Well, that feeling was temporary…but you don’t know that yet.

It feels infinite.

As you lie in bed tonight crying.

Asking God to help you, because you don’t believe you have it in you to succeed.

You had tried and failed, and tried and failed…and tried….and failed.

Till you thought you had failure tattooed on your forehead.

Here I stand one year later to tell you that you did it.

You did it.

Somehow, you took every bad thought captive.

You broke that negative tape that told you how fat-and dumb-and unlovable you are;

And created a new tape that told you how great, and awesome, capable, and loved you are.

At some point, you stopped belittling yourself, berating yourself…and began to encourage yourself.

You stopped beating yourself up over yesterday and began living today.

Because you realized that if you lived right TODAY.

If you nourished yourself TODAY.

If you exercised TODAY.

The yesterdays and tomorrows would take care of themselves.

You started to value yourself.

You began to reach out for love, and for friendship.

As you grew healthier in your mind and your body, you began to expect better treatment from those around you.

You began to ask.

You began to want.

You began to live.

It was so dark in the beginning, you couldn’t even see around the corner.

You couldn’t see what kind of a new world you were entering…

Or more accurately, that you were creating.

All you could do was walk.

And let go of your crutch, your consoler, your enemy, your addiction…

Your Food.

You see, you finally figured out that you can’t grab hold of a new life and still cling to your old one.

Oh hon.

Right now, Lying in your bed.

You think you’re trying to ‘get skinny’.

You’re not.

You’re trying to live.

You’re trying To Fully Feel, to Fully Inhabit the life you’ve been given.

You are trying to create a person that you can be proud of…

Or as some would say:

You are trying to be your own superhero.

I want to thank you…

As scared and uncertain as you are,

It is a brave thing to do.

To put down the food and pick up a life.

To Face your past and put it to rest.

To finally escape the prison of your own low expectations.

And rise to the challenge of who God created you to be.

I wouldn’t be where I am today, 100 lbs lighter and light years happier…

If you hadn’t decided

To Live Deliberately.

So, thank you.

Love,

Chris

Christine is an INSPIRATION to many and Im grateful she agreed to guest post for us and didnt even make me beg.

She’s a 36 year old mother who has lost over 100 pounds through eating less and moving more.

She blogs at a deliberate life.

That was beautifully moving. Thanks, Chris, for sharing your journey with everyone. It’s so inspiring, especially on a day like today when I am kind of annoyed with myself.

As I’ve mentioned a few times, my kitchen is currently unusable because the complex is having the pest control people come in and spray. I had to move everything out of my kitchen and my bathrooms. Working out in the middle of all the crap in my living room was a challenge, but I was undeterred.

I couldn’t cook, because all my seasons, utensils, pots and pans are  … in my living room. So I had to eat out, of course, which I hate because it seems when I eat out, I am up the next day. I do so much better when I cook my own food. So I ordered in, some chicken wings and a garden salad. Ate my salad first. Had 7 wings, unbreaded. On a controlled carbohydrate diet, this is a great meal. I was well within my calorie range for the day, and had done my Firm and Shred. The odds were in my favor.

Up today. Granted, only .2lbs. Which will be gone today. It’s the principle of the thing.

I’m just getting really sick and tired of the one step up and two steps back, splurge a little and spend a day making it up. And not that i’ll never splurge but it’s hardly worth spending a day working off sodium and fat for 7 chicken wings. Ya know? These are the things that irritate me. I could have just gone and got some roasted chicken. I could have planned ahead. I’ve known since Tuesday that I wouldn’t be able to cook until tonight.

It was good, though. *shrug*

Well, it’s Shred and Cardio Barre night, so…. that .2 lbs will be gone in a snap. I guarahntee!

Okay. I was emo, but I “blogged it out” and I feel better. Gotta finish my yogurt before it warms up *retch*

Have a healthy day!

Curvy Jones is a northerner playing a southerner who is living, working, playing in metro Atlanta.

Curvy Jones

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