Jealousy. Wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it go…
I’m jealous. Well not really jealous, more envious. But I still have ‘negative feelings.’
First, a check-in, because my weekend hasn’t been all that great, dietwise. I ate one meal on Saturday and didn’t work out. I didn’t work out Friday, either. My knees are protesting, painfully. I’m using that as an excuse to not work out. It is wrong. Need to pull the lead out. I need to cook tomorrow (today, since it’s 3am) for the week, or I’m going to end up breaking down and I don’t want to do that. But anyway, I haven’t earned that many points this weekend. Grrrrr.
On that note, I have a few friends who’ve had a weight loss procedure done, whether it’s the band or the bypass. I’m proud of these ladies. They are my friends. I love them. Since I met most of them at a weight loss board, I know they’ve struggled for so many years with taking and keeping the weight off, some of them losing a lot of weight and then ballooning back up again. Me included.
I’m sitting over here, minding my own business, doing my own thing. Lowcarb and lowfatting it and struggling a little bit with inner voices and things people say and people’s ideas and ideals. I’m working out, trying to be healthy, losing weight, but everyone loses weight in the beginning. My friends go and have a surgery and drop weight like MAD. One of them had her surgery 3 months ago and hit a 70lb loss. I want to be happy for her. It makes me want to cry.
I don’t, in anyway, think it’s the easy way out. My mother had the surgery years ago, my exbestie had the band, and had to have hers removed. I’ve met so many people that have gone through trials and tribulations to be at a healthy weight and although I’m happy for them, I can’t help but be completely jealous of the ability to drop 70 lbs in 3 months. I know it’s not like this, but it seems like they don’t even have to try. And here I am over here sweating like a pig, eating eggs, meat, cheese, and vegetables and thinking nonstop about my weight loss.
It’s not fair.
No, it totally isn’t fair that I got myself to this point and I have to get myself back. It totally isn’t fair that I’m fat and other people are thin. It isn’t fair how hard some people have to work for five lousy pounds. It isn’t fair that other people have insurance that will cover the surgery (or $8,000) and don’t have a severe fear of going under anesthesia. I will literally pass out at the thought… and then there is the fear that I won’t be numbed through the whole thing and I’ll be able to feel it and *scream*. NO.
I don’t care HOW unfair it is. NOT HAPPENING. I’ll be fat forever before I do that.
So why am I jealous? Cause its working for them. Cause they’re losing weight. Cause they’re doing what I want to do and have what I want– success. And it DOES seem easy. I know it isn’t, but it SEEMS easy.
I always said that I valued things more when I have to work for them. I put myself through school on student loans, I didn’t get a scholarship or anything. My parents didn’t pay for it. I worked for that degree that is sitting in on my mom’s mantel, at home.
I’m working for this, too. I want the work to be worth it. I don’t want to wake up a year from now still fat and still wishing I had the energy and the will to get off my ass, to move for 45 minutes without making some excuse like ‘my knees hurt’. I don’t want to wake up a year from now, sucking the icing from a Krispy Kreme off of my finger and blaming it on PMS. It’s not PMS. I’m a pig.
Ugh. I know it seems like I am being mean. And maybe I am. Maybe I’m pissed off that I even have to get jealous. And I can’t even be supportive of my friends because I am too busy thinking about me and how it affects me and makes me feel. Oy, it’s not about ME. Just like my weight loss journey isn’t about THEM.
Just had to get that out. Sometimes I need to slap myself around a little, tell myself to stop acting ridiculous and to move on with life.
The upside? 256 today. Movin’ on down! I’m not gonna make any predictions, because my body likes to do the exact opposite of what I want it to do. Just being happy with where I am and going for more.
Filed in: New Life TuesdayTags: jealousy · Rants · weightloss surgery
I can relate. Its so hard to look around at others and see them going in the direction you want to go and yet, you move at a slower pace.
Its slow going, CJ, but we’ll get there. The journey to being a ‘Hot Ass Bitch’ is gonna be so worth it when we get there.
Green Eyes´s last blog ..Yes, I feel like a hater.
Okay, here’s the deal…at least for me…..
After having the surgery, it was so easy to lose the weight. I didn’t have to do anything, I didn’t have to try. I lost 100 lbs in 10 months and have kept 90% since then. It was the easiest thing I have ever done…physically. There are still some physical things that I’m dealing with, like not being able to eat a lot at at time, or having to be careful to chew my food very well, and not being able to eat/drink anything diary. But losing weight has been easy.
Mentally, on the other hand, is a whole different ball game. It’s like being an alcoholic and all of a sudden your ability to drink is just gone. You’re still mentally hungry and need that food, but your body just cannot handle it. That is hard. Those first few weeks many have been some of the hardest times I have been through.
All in all, obesity is a disease and there is no cure. I could lose 30 more pounds and be ideal and still everyday I would struggle with this disease.
Coming from someone who has had the surgery, I do feel like I did it the easy way, and I would do it again. Dieting is hard, losing weight is hard, being overweight is hard. And none of it’s fun. If I hadn’t had the surgery, I would have never lost the weight. I would probably closing in on 330 or more by now.
You know, people who’ve had the surgery rarely admit how ‘easy’ it is. My mom made mention once or twice, but I think people get so conditioned to turning their nose up at it that they automatically talk about how really hard it is. It’s something I witnessed first hand with my exbestie… the reason she had to have hers removed was because she couldn’t fight the battle. She didn’t know what to do, other than ‘eat’, so she pretty much destroyed her chances with the band. Psychologically, I bet it’s a nightmare.