Curvy Jones on: Sixty Dollar Sex
A few months ago, my good friend GreenEyes and I were chatting. She told me that Tex had told her that it was free communication weekend at E-scam-your-money(why do they run so many free communication weekends?) and she wanted to make sure to mention it to me in case I was interested. I immediately smote her, and then tied her to the railroad tracks and left her there. How dare she suggest I might be interested in eH?
GreenEyes must not have been around when I tried eH. I did not enjoy the HUNDREDS of little dots I had to fill in, measuring every inkling of my personality, sometimes feeling like I was answering the same question over and over and over, just to see if I would trip up. These HUNDREDS of questions are designed to map out your personality into 26 Dimensions and then match you with people you are most likely to not bludgeon to death in their sleep be compatible with. That’s really only if the people you’re most likely to be compatible with actually make it through that survey and get to read all about your 26 Dimensions.
And also pay.
Because, you see eH is a business, like any other. It’s basically an internet matchmaking service and if they’re going to go through the trouble of measuring 26 of my Dimensions, well… they’re going to get paid for it. Apparently GreenEyes was unaware of this fact. She says to me, “Why don’t you try it?”
I say, “Uh. I have tried it. Twice.”
She says, “But you might meet some nice people. Maybe a good friend.”
I said, “eH is not the kind of place where you meet friends. Have you even ever been there?”
“Nope,” she says. “What do you mean? Is it expensive?”
“Go to the site. Check it and see. I’ll wait.”
A few minutes later, I see that GreenEyes is typing, and the most hilarious message pops up. “SHIT! They want damn near $60!”
I proceeded to laugh so hard I nearly fell out of the bed. “Do you see, now, why I’d never sign up just to meet friends? Does it SEEM like a place you’d meet friends?”
“Hell no!” She types, rather quickly. “For that kind of money, I better meet Mr Right! I mean REALLY MEET Mr Right! $60!”
“Right? And for $60, he better be handsome too. We better have a really great date.”
“Shit, for $60 we better have some sex.”
“Right,” I agree. “Good sex, too. Not that “TGI Fridays Appetizer Platter and Fernbank Museum Imax Movie” sex. Not that cheap stuff. The GOOD stuff.”
“Exactly. For $60, we need the good sex.”
“Not the half ass $39.99 sex you get with Yahoo or Match.”
“Hell naw. Ima need tricks and shit for $60. Some acrobatics. Some showing off. $60! DAAAAMN!”
And so, since then, eH has come to be known as “$60 sex”.
Well, this weekend “$60 Sex” is having an free communication weekend. Just in time for you to desperately zip your way through hundreds of tricky questions designed to define your entire personality. 26 DIMENSIONS, you guys. 26! 25 is to few. 27 is too many. Ahhhhhhhh 26 Dimensions, I feel really good about. And if, by chance, you make it through and wait the oh, HOUR it takes for them to toss up some (probably fake) matches (designed to make you feel good), you might actually secure a last minute date for Valentine’s Day. With a preacher. From South Carolina.
GreenEyes didn’t learn her lesson the last time. She made mention of the free Communication Weekend (aka, nice try but we don’t have anyone for you, try back conveniently after the Free Communication Weekend is over and by the way please pay $59.99 or you can’t talk to anyone).
I said, “Yeah. Go on over there and get you some $60 Sex.”
“Not gonna do it, “she says. “Not gonna pay more than $35.”
“Nope,” I said. “eH is $60! A MONTH. Or no sex.”
“No payment plans? Can I put a deposit down? Buy Here Pay Here?”
“No, that’s called prostitution. They’re classy. No prostitution. $60 Sex is for the Elite.”
“I guess that’s outta my price range.”
“LMFAO. Hey, Facebook has some Jews for you, if you’re interested. They’re always suggesting Jews for me.”
The scourge of not having a Valentine and being desperate enough to log onto that site with any glimmer of hope of finding someone? $60
Friends that help you laugh it off, make light of it, and even help you feel normal about having to sit on your fingers so you don’t try it AGAIN? Priceless.
Is it Feb 15th yet?
Filed in: Love & Relationships · PersonalTags: 2010 · internet dating
LMAO @ this entire post.
*snort* I was laughing while writing it. “SHIT! They want damn near $60″ rang in my head for HOURS after that conversation… LMFAO.
This story is fantastic!
Not to self-promote, but this conversation actually happened, at my job.
http://twitter.com/Mrs_Happy_Pants/status/5379650758
LMFAO!!! See! What’s the Dimension for “What What in the Butt”?
I’m thinking that’s more in the $6000 sex range.
And it’s in the 28th Dimension.
I would need at LEAST that much to even consider it. In fact, that’s not something I want to ‘run up on’ at a dating site.
What always got me, when I first moved here, was how many men are interested in FEET. As in, I get asked a lot if I get my toenails painted and if I wear ankle bracelets and toe rings.
:indifference:
HELP ME?
And yes, they don’t go NEARLY far enough. *blank stare*
Ha! I was in communication with a vet from McAllen a few months ago. Had a few nice e-mails before free weekend ended but neither of us were wowed enough to pay to play lol.
Yeahhh… the catch is to find someone actually compelling on the site. And then someone willing to pay that exorbitant fee, who is compelling. It seemed to me that only lonely desperate way religious men who were older than my father were really serious about finding someone. Everyone else was ‘there’ but not a paying member so even if I got a match we couldn’t talk to each other because one of us didn’t pay.