Curvy Jones on: We Need More Lemon Pledge

Weekend roundup– first off, how was YOURS?

Mine actually went okay. The Tour went fine, took all of ten minutes. Dad liked my place, said it was very nice. I don’t believe I cleaned and scrubbed and fluffed and shined and worried and shopped for a ten minute cursory overview. I am going to appoint myself the Queen of Overreacting. If ever you need someone to overreact to something, please consider my services. I overreact for cheap!

For the first time in my life, he had no criticism or ‘helpful ideas’, but then again that’s kind of my mom’s department. She’s nosy (where I get it from) and will scan a room and go ‘mmmhhhmmm…’ which means something but she won’t come right out and say she doesn’t like something. But nope, not dad. No offers to fix anything or paint anything or arrange anything, which was great. I didn’t want to go through the discomfort of declining and then later him holding it over my head when he wants something… ‘remember that time I did that thing for you? I need you to do something for me now.’ Nope. Leave it alone. I’ll do it myself.

We did have a slight snag. I arrived at my Aunt’s house on Saturday at 11:30am, which would have been perfect timing to drive 45 minutes north back to my place, have lunch, and then drive back down south for his nephew’s basketball game at 3pm.

Except no one was at the house. I rang the doorbell and knocked and rang the doorbell and knocked and nothing. So I get back in the car and call my dad. He answers. “What are you doing?,” I say, sounding irritated. “I’m outside the house, no one is answering the door.” I get a curt, surly, “Well if you would have been answering your phone, you’d know we took your Aunt D to the hospital this morning.”

Color me shocked, confused, and a little pissed off, because my phone has not rung all morning. I have no voicemail and no missed calls. “Just say right there,” he snapped. “Roz will drive me to the house.” And hangs up. I am left to fume inside my car at my Aunt’s house, thinking of the things I am going to do to his cell phone when he gets in the car. Dreams of snatching it from his hands and throwing it into the street and then running it over dance through my head. I already know what has happened. He is dialing the wrong number, again.

Cousin shows up, they both get out of her car and my dad has this stony expression on his face, his lip curled in irritation. This look used to send ice through my veins and make my butt go numb.  It almost has this effect on me as I watch him stomp toward my car, before I remember that I am just a few weeks shy of 36 and he can’t really hurt me anymore.

He opens my door and yells, “Girl, what is wrong with your phone?!?!” I reply, “Nothing’s wrong with my phone, I haven’t received any calls today!”  I show him the call log on Berry. NOTHING. He whips out his phone and dials my number and hands his phone to me and says, “The message says you’re not taking calls. I couldn’t reach you!”

I grab the phone, wishing I had the nerve to do what I really wanted to do with it, and glared at him over the display. “That’s not my phone number,” I growled at him. He blinks. Then his eyes close and he sighs and he knows, now, that he’s done it again. Dialed the wrong number. I punch up my actual number, saved in his phone with no name. “THIS is my phone number! If you’d called THIS number you would have reached me!”

I’ve never seen my dad look sheepish in all of his life. The look on his face as he ducked into the car and put on his seatbelt was priceless. Not that I enjoyed making a fool of him at all, but I felt good for not just cowering in his presence like I am 15 yrs old, which is what I normally do when he gets mad.  Growing up, I could get hit for just looking at him wrong. He demanded contrite obedience. We weren’t allowed to argue or talk back.

He apologized as I backed out of the driveway, and I accepted his apology and then said, “don’t let me near that phone, I might toss it out the window and run it over.” At which he laughed, and said he didn’t know I could go ghetto. I can’t, really, but I like for people to think I can.

I had planned to take Dad to lunch at Houston’s, one of my favorite places that was quick and close. Before I could open my mouth to tell him so, he declared that he wanted to eat lunch at Popeyes Chicken. I rarely, if ever, eat at Popeyes. In fact, when we went to dinner on Tuesday, I was all happy to take him to this cool place in Midtown but he seemed uncomfortable, like he would have been happier at Red Lobster. Except I don’t eat at Red Lobster. I may be becoming one of those Atlanta snobs that I hate so much. Damn!

So, because they don’t have Popeyes in Podunk, WA and he wanted some Popeyes Chicken,  I shrugged and directed the car north. There happens to be a restaurant mere minutes from my apartment.

Popeyes it is.

Curvy Jones is a northerner playing a southerner who is living, working, playing in metro Atlanta.

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Tags:  2010 · dad · The Apartment