Curvy Jones on: TG—oh, what the hell…
It’s Friday. I ADORE Friday. It’s my favorite day of the week. Right about here is where I’d be excitedly prattling on about my weekend plans. The ones that never come to fruition but at least I make them, every week. There’s my weekly trip to CVS, laying in bed trying to get myself to get up and go to the hair salon, writing, watching a lot of TV, maybe some movies, maybe some grocery shopping, maybe some cooking, maybe some cleaning. Two glorious days to myself, to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.
Right about here is where I am kind of freaking out. As I mentioned last night, I got a bombshell dropped onto said weekend. An email from my mother:
From: Mama Jones
Re: Your uncle’s 80th birthday partyYour dad is in Georgia for your uncle’s birthday party and to see your Aunt D. Your cousins want to know if you’re coming to the party. Call your dad at [cell number]. I was just thinking, you all live in the same city and you never talk. Was there a problem?
[other random things]
Love, mom
And soooooooooooo. WHAT?
I read the subject line, already knowing I wasn’t going to a birthday party. Then I opened it and I swear, I felt like something fell on my head. My body went numb and my stomach twisted up in knots and I almost couldn’t breathe.
I’m not ready for my dad to be in town, and want to spend every waking moment with me. I’m not ready to see family I haven’t seen inyears. I’m not ready to answer the questions that are bound to come. “Where’ve you been? What’ve you been doing? Are you seeing anyone? Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Personal Savior? Want some Amway?”
Guuuhhh. I can’t even articulate this post very well. It’s hard for me to explain why I have family here I have’t seen in years. The simplest way to say it is– I haven’t wanted to. And I don’t think they care, either.
When I first came to Georgia, I did everything to not have to stay with my family. I didn’t know them. I had never met them! Suddenly I was supposed to be all close to my aunt, uncle and cousins, and keep in touch and things like that. OOFDAH. Are you kidding me? I drove across the country with everything I own inside my car, and you want me to what? Talk to people I don’t know and be all close with them? To quoeh Dana Carvey impersonating George HW Bush, “Not gonna do it.”
I got a job – the worst job I have ever had, by the way, which is a post in itself– as soon as humanly possible (which took six long weeks) and moved out the week after. I drove down (hey, it can be kind of a long drive!) to see them a few times, but I already felt like it was just… obligatory. And I’m not big on the obligatory half hour drive to sit and stare at the 700 Club while my Aunt rambles about something.
I WILL say that my Aunt is a funny lady and my Uncle is a sweet man. I won’t hate seeing them, but I just haven’t gone out of my way to do so. I should. I just… haven’t.
My dad is here until the 10th. REALLY?
I’m trying to be positive. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I am. I just have to get of this angst out, first. I love him because he’s my dad but we just aren’t close. After years of being standoffish and gruff and crusty and cold, since Joe’s death he’s been clingy and emotional and trying to grab on and right a lifetime of wrongs and I feel… suffocated, a little. Like I can’t live my life because my parents are afraid I will die. If my parents can’t reach me, they freak. the fuck. OUT. And I get yelled at. Dial the right phone number and you’ll get me every time! I can’t help you if you don’t change my phone number in your *%$#& cell phone!
I wonder if they yell at BigMike? Or does he get pass, for some reason? Cause he’s a boy and he’s allowed to live recklessly or whatever. I think he just straight up told them, ‘look, I am fine. I don’t need ya’ll dragging me down. So, call to catch up and say hi or whatever, but I’m not rehashing Joe every time you call’.
Why can’t I do that? Why do I have to be the one they lean on?
Ya’ll wish me luck for the next…. GAH. FOREVER. Two weeks. I foresee getting nothing done that I want to get done and guilt trips galore for a) not seeing my fam and b) not seeing my dad as often as he wants to see me.
I know that I should feel lucky and things like that. It’s just like…spending lots of time with a 60 yr old man that you don’t know, that doesn’t know you, but he wants to be all close and junk.
::whine::
Filed in: Daily Grind · Family · Personal
I completely know how you feel. My only saving grace is that I have no family in Georgia – they’re all still in Indiana but I constantly get hit over the head with “when you coming home?” Uh, lemmie think…NEVER. and “Hey stranger how come you never visit?” Uh, lemmie think…..because I don’t want to and you people could care.less. so why should I make the effort.
It’s maddening how relatives always expect you to make the effort and they never do.
Hang in there. Don’t go if you don’t want to.
I can relate to the whole family thing. I’m not in touch with most of mine either because I don’t want to. And for some reason, it’s always mothers who want to pile on the guilt. So doesn’t work on me though.
As for your dad (or your parents in general), I get where they’re coming from. Since the bil passed away, the mister and his dad have gotten a lot closer too. Which is only natural, if you ask me. If you feel suffocated by them though, then it’s something you should try to discuss with them. Don’t shy away from them. As morbid as it sounds, they won’t be around forever. You might live to regret it some day.
Meh, I hate how I always seem to sound like a know-it-all. ;-)
You don’t sound like a know-it-all! :love:
Thoughts and prayers, Curvy. Thoughts and prayers.
Guilt’s a bitch, huh?
I had family “issues” recently, too. I can sympathize with the “I don’t want to be the horrible ungrateful daughter, but damn you people drive me crazy,” thing.
Come here to vent, if nowhere else. Or if you find yourself short on time, a quick “WHAT THE FUCK?!?” tweet could be cathartic.
Just sayin’.