Curvy Jones on: Guess Who’s Back, back Again? Curvy’s Back, tell a friend!

by Curvy Jones on April 30th, 2010

Hola blog people!

First of all, your friendly world…no, country…. no… East Coast? No. We’ll go with North Carolina traveler. Your friendly North Carolina traveler is home from her first business trip! Weee! I love the quarterly meetings. It’s always nice to see the staff in one room, though I like it best when they come to Atlanta. It’s like all the kids coming home. It’s so busy and I love it. Jacksonville is very pretty and very homey. Small town atmosphere… it was great but I am HAPPY to be home because GOOD.NESS! Traveling takes a lot out of me. I’m still tired and hoping to get out of here early today since only bossman and I decided to come to work today.

I have an exciting weekend ahead! Okay, exciting for me. I’m hoping to get to the salon today because ye Gods, my hair needs help. Also because I want to look SUPERCUTE tomorrow at 10Am when I meet Dave Bromstad from ColorSplash on HGTV. HOT. SOUP. He says that all the time. He’s just the most, to say the least. Incredibly talented artist/designer, cute as all get out (ARMS) and way personable. He’ll be in town this weekend and I entered to win and WON A SEAT. I never win anything! HUZZAH!

Sunday I am attending the Metropolitan Cooking and Entertainment Expo where I will be letting Bobby Flay sneer at me from mere feet away. I hope he cooks something! Last year I saw Tyler Florence, Paula Deen and The Neely’s. All were EXCELLENT, very entertaining. This year I was really only interested in paying money to see Bobby, and I wasn’t going to go but I got a Groupon (dude, if you’re not on these GET ON THEM!! for serious! ) for 50% off. Couldn’t resist, so I am going! *clap*

On the non celebrity front, Saturday is my first day of Walk It Out. Gearing up for that! I’m not ready but I will be. I am thinking about my playlist today, gonna pull it together and put it on the old iPod tonight. I have to either walk EARLY in the morning or in the afternoon cause my thing with Hotpants Bromstad is at 10am. OY and VEY. No sleeping in. As if I ever sleep in, anymore.

I also want to see if I can get into an Imax movie at the Fernbank. I like weather movies and documentaries and there is one on tornados that I kind of want to see. If I don’t get an appointment at the salon I’ll probably go tonight. If not I’ll catch it Sunday maybe.

I’m a little behind on some writing committments as well but the projects just aren’t speaking to me. I am excited about the Critique_this_Whip FlirtFest (I had to write a scene in which someone flirts -FUN!), which I’ve already written my piece for. It’s the other two plus my longtastic epic that I haven’t updated or written. Maybe while I walk I’ll be inspired!

On a more serious tip, I was reading a post this morning by a blogger who goes by BitchCakes. First, she’s a gorgeous gorgeous glamour girl– she has a very sophisticated style that takes you back to old Hollywood, almost. Anyway. She was talking about that Intervention episode with the Bulemic, Amy. If you haven’t seen that, you can watch it on A&E’s site HERE. It was a pretty poignant episode, and one I found hard to watch all the way through the first time.

I admit to skipping a lot of it, just because it was so difficult to watch. Not because of her suffering but because, like BitchCakes, what she said really resonated with me and reminded me so much of my own internal dialog for such a long time.

“I am worthless, useless, ugly, fat, failure, unfriendly, unbubbly, stupid. I hate, hate, hate my fat f*ing self with such a huge hatred I can’t explain it. How do I get away from me? How do I feel good? How do I stop this madness? There is such an anger boiling inside me I want to explode. F*ck you fatass. I am so fat and so ugly.”

I remember a time when I would stand in front of the mirror and hurl obsceneties and hateful language at my reflection. When I would withold food from myself and openly mock my fatness, i.e.“I’ve had quite enough to eat, don’t you think?” or “I’m not obviously missing any meals.” I remember as far back as Junior High and not being able to resist writing long lists of things I hated about myself or negative things I thought people thought about me. I knew, growing up, that I was not cute or pretty and I didn’t even have a ‘great personality’ to make up for my looks. Boys made sure to remind me that they had no interest and my brother, sad to say, took part in mocking me as well. I’m happy to say that’s changed, haha. He’ll gladly flatten anyone that dares step to me, now. Could have used it back then.

Watching that episode brought all that old ugly back. It hurt to think about. I just wanted to turn it off, both the program, and the thoughts in my head. I guess that’s why I have such a hard time watching that show and shows like it. I don’t think I am far enough out of it to feel like ‘oh, wow I remember those days’. You know that old saying ‘misery loves company’? Well it does. And sometimes it’s nice to wallow in the warmth of self pity. It’s actually a pretty comfortable place. It’s really easy to fall into a place and end up back there.

The hard part, and the discomfort, is doing the work to rise out of that. I’ve done that, over time. I don’t feel the way I used to feel about myself. I don’t want to go back there anymore. It saddens me that anyone lives there because it truly does suck. I don’t think anything about that episode made me think, ‘well gosh I am just so happy that I made it out of that place, wooo boy’. I think, ‘man. I could be her tomorrow’. It’s always a mere step away.

Frightening. Just something I was thinking about. Still need to process a bit. Wanted to share, though.

Curvy Jones is a northerner playing a southerner who is living, working, playing in metro Atlanta.