Curvy Jones on:If You Were My Girlfriend, I’d Treat You Good
It’s been an emotional week at Chez Jones. Not really drama filled, but lots of introspection and trying to figure out what makes me tick. What do other people see, when they see me? What do others think about me? Am I a good friend? Am I a good person? Do people feel like they can count on me?
And if the answer is no, do I care enough to change?
Because, here is the thing… I moved to Atlanta six (!!! wow !!! ) years ago from a smallish city in the Northwest. At first the culture shock was terrible. After awhile I got used to living here and started to really love the city, the go go go pace, the variety of everything from culture to cuisine to entertainment to people. But the one thing that eluded me was being around people I’ve known for a long time. Moving to Atlanta was starting over, completely over. I didn’t come down here with a job or a place to live. I brought my car and what would fit in it and I flitted around for awhile until I settled down.
When I moved here, one of my bestest friends in the world lived here– our parents have known each other for longer than I’ve been alive. My dad and her dad happened to retire from the Armed Services at the same base– ONE house away. It was fate or kismet or destiny or whatever it is you call it… our families have been intertwined ever since. I call her Miss Size 2, even though she’s a Size 4, because …. well because. Anyway. She and I were inseparable, really. I could always count on her to be ready to go eat (“Im not hungry, but I could go for some pancakes and sausage and toast and eggs…” ) or go play. We’d rent movies or go to movies or go shopping or just sit in the living room and talk for hours. We went to the same church for awhile, even.
Unfortunately, Miss Size 2 became ill and had to return to our home town. Suddenly I had no one to call and no one that called me. Friday nights that used to be about going to our little Greek place and getting dinner and stopping by Blockbuster and sitting on the floor in her apt (because she had no furniture) and watching 2 or 3 movies, talking all the way through them. We used to watch America’s Next Top Model and have dinner together, every Wednesday–I haven’t seen the show since she left. Friday nights now are about ordering wings and watching CSI and Criminal Minds. I was so used to her being there that I hadn’t even thought to cultivate friendships with other women.
Not that I could, if I wanted to. If it’s one thing I hear over and over again (and I concur) it’s that Atlanta is full of flash and high shine. It’s very ‘surface’ and glossy and kind of…….fake. People drive around in rented/ leased luxury vehicles, just so they look good. The women are glammed out to go check the mail. One of the most fun things is to sit at Lenox Mall and people watch because… it’s like *blink* You know you’re at the mall, right? Where are you going, after this? Magic City? Body Tap? It is truly an experience. And no, I’m not saying ALL people are like that, but there are enough of them that they obscure the real people, the genuine people.
The Girlfriends. A show I used to watch and seethe with jealousy. I don’t have girlfriends. I used to watch Friends and it would make me sad. I didn’t have any. Even the Golden Girls will send me into a fit of tears at the right time of the month.
So what stops me? Well. Atlanta is a very social city. Atlanta is a city that likes to party. And that’s all well and good but I’m not a party girl. I don’t mind going to happy hour. I don’t mind going to such and so lounge or sports bar or whatever– but I’m not a drinker. I’d love to go out ever Friday night, but nursing my Diet Coke while everyone around me slams them back, listening to people talk loud when they think they aren’t, dance bad when they think they’re Fred Astaire, and get their mack on like their the Ladies Man just stops being fun after awhile. I’ve joined book clubs and social groups and eventually what happens is that people around me connect and clique up… and I’m standing around looking dumb. So, I just stopped doing that.
So this week some online pals and I were having a great session of ‘here’s all the things I think about that I never tell anyone ever’ and it was really powerful. Since coming home from my vacation, I’ve really struggled with the lack of women friends, of Girlfriends, of people that know me and trust me and I know and trust them– people that have no problem calling, day or night to spend time together. It isn’t like I don’t know people here– it’s more like I am the one that has to always ask. I’m the one that always to arrange for people to get together. And that makes me feel like I have to beg people to hang out with me. And I don’t like that feeling. It’s akin to the L word. You know which one I mean.
So, I’d been running from that feeling, and the realization that I feel that way, and most of the week has been spent trying not to be depressed about it. Thinking about what I need to do to turn it around. My problem is that I can be a loudmouth online and once you get to know me. At the outset I am painfully shy. New people are my kryptonite. I get nervous and my heart beats out of control and I feel like I am going to pass out, walking into a room full of strangers. Online? Not a problem. They don’t know me and I don’t know them. In person? Knees knocking, white knuckling, sit-in-the-car-and-psych-myself-up fear.
Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I want too much too soon from people. Maybe I’m stuck up. Or maybe people think I’m stuck up. Or maybe I am just fine, a completely likeable person that holes up in the house watching A&E and the History Channel and is very amused by Twitter. Whatever it is… things have to change. When I was home, my Sis in Law told me that my mom talks about me a lot. That she’s worried because I spend so much time alone. I’m not sure that there is to be afraid of, and I do really enjoy my time alone, but it really speaks volumes to me that talks so much about her concern. It makes me think that there’s really something I need to dig into, here.
One thing I rarely do is make big speeches about what I am going to do and when I am going to do it. Because… I won’t. I know myself enough to know that doing that just sets me up for failure. It’s just something that I have to make happen. So I don’t have plan and I don’t really have a solution for myself, other than keep trying. Keep trying to get out there, keep going to events, don’t turn down invitaitons to have fun and keep asking people to do fun things. I guess until I get tired of that and try something else.
Like ebay. They sell friends there, right?
PS. I am officially 10 lbs down. Woopee! Update on ‘Losing It, 8lbs at a time’ on Monday!
Filed in: Gettin' Sexified · Personal · Self Renovation| Renewal
I never ever knew that making friends as a grown up would be so hard. I’m not even a shy person and I wonder at how easy it is for others and not me….then the tapes play…”why? Maybe it is ME.”
….but yeah. I feel that.
And I can’t wait to see you this weekend!!!!!
Lizz B´s last blog ..Farewell To Fat – Week 8! Measurement Time!
Yeah I am there… what the eff is wrong with me, that people don’t want to be around me? HMPH.
First, awesome on the 10 pounds. I think many of us feel the same way you do. It’s so much harder as we get *ahem* older, to make friends. I think it’s circumstantial versus personality types. I can seem very standoffish when I first meet people, but it’s me being cautious and observing everything- not being a bitch.
Look, I turned this comment into being about me! Maybe I am a bitch after all!
Emily´s last blog ..Eats | 8.15.09
Of COURSE you’re not a bitch! Stop that! It’s nice to know that others feel the same way I do.
I don’t have any real life friends, either, really. I used to, but life has taken us in different directions, both physically and metaphorically. The title of my BFF is a toss up bewteen my husband and my sister. And neither is exactly what I need.