Lefou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking. A dangerous pasttime, I know.

I’m one of those people that likes new, shiny things. New? I want it. I don’t even know what Google Wave is but I wanted an account with one and now I have it and I have not one clue what I am supposed to do with. But I have it and I love it. Whatever it is.

When Twitter and Facebook popped up, I decided I wanted to be one of the cool kids and jumped all on the bandwagon. Then jumped off. Then jumped back on and I’m pretty much hanging on, for now. Twitter is pretty darn fun– I don’t use it to proselytize or to sell or to spam or to preach or wax political. Basically, twitter exists for me to have real time chat with the silly people in my life I call my friends. And some celebrities.  I figure, if you don’t want to be talked to, lock your account so I can’t talk to you, or get off of twitter. *shrugs* Sometimes I can’t control my mouth, and I “talk “to whoever is around to “listen”. It’s also allowed me to meet some great people and chat about things I’d never find people to talk with me about in real life. It’s a big giant check mark in the WIN column for me.

Facebook, for me, is an entirely different animal. A lot of people use Facebook to network and collect friends. Or play games.  I keep a tight group of people on my Facebook list o’ friends. I don’t add everyone I’ve ever known. I don’t add anyone I work with. I don’t add anyone who might feel the need to ask my parents ‘what’s up with your daughter’s Facebook statuses?’ because frankly my parents can just barely check email. They have no idea what Facebook is.  I like to keep it that way. My mom went through a brief obsession with Instant Messaging. I curse the person who taught her how to use IM.

So, no my Facebook is not a hodgepodge of people I barely know and don’t talk to. Most of the people there are old friends  from back home in Spokane. Some are in LA. Some are in Florida, and Colorado and New York and Seattle. And some are in Atlanta. Mostly people I wouldn’t even have a connection with anymore, had it not been for Facebook.

Something weird is happening, with Facebook, though. People are starting to come out of the woodwork. People I haven’t talked to in years, for reasons we both know. About issues we’re both aware of– wanting to rekindle friendships and relationships and uhm……… I’m not into it.

It’s not that I’m not a forgiving person. There’s nothing to forgive. At some point in my life, though I developed an attitude where I put the past behind me, because the past was toxic. It clung to me like sewer waste. It was dark and depressing and I hated the old me and her life and the people she chose to be around. It wasn’t anyone particular or specific, it was… a time and a place.  I had to get away from it and start over and create a whole new ‘me’. And for the most part, the new me is awesome and I like her and her new positive not toxic time and place and influences.

I believe I have discovered the downside to Social Media. The people you want to hide from, the people you don’t want to find you, the friendships you don’t want to rekindle, the noses you don’t want in your business creep back into your life, nearly imperceptibly. One by one. Little by little. Until one day you wake up and you’re surrounded by something that looks and smells familiar. And you can’t remember how it got there.

It’s a terrible feeling. Even more terrible, when you’re the only one in control of what happens, and you’re the one that’s been happily approving and smiling and laughing and approving and being joyful and changed and approving and approving and approving and then you stop and slap yourself and say WHOA. What are YOUUUUUUUU doing??????

You know what all of this reminds me, though? About how I haven’t let go of the past. I haven’t put it behind me, and healed and become a new person. I’m the same old me, who put some stuff out of sight (because for me, out of sight, out of mind. And even if you’re in sight, I’m probably not paying attention unless I want to). I still feel the same amount of heavy heart and pain and misunderstanding and dejectedness that I felt before I let people go. That was the REASON I let them go. Why in the stuff did I let them back in?

I’m reminding myself of something I preach all the time– I control my own life and its course. Yeah yeah destiny and fate and stuff, but who I keep around me is in my complete control. I can’t complain about things I’m not willing to change, right?

Well. I want my right to complain. The choice becomes do I a) try to mend broken fences? Fences I don’t want mended, in particular, but just do it, cause I should? or b) put it out of sight again and move on.

*SIGH*

Call me a coward but ‘B’ sounds like a great option. I just don’t have the energy… or really the will or desire for ‘A’, right now.  There are people I just don’t want back in my life, right now. Maybe not ever.

Is that bad? Is it evil to not want to mend things? To want to just walk away and leave the past in the past? Or is that evidence of some baggage I don’t want to deal with and should?

I don’t honestly know. I wish I did. For now, I’m just leaving things where they sit.

I totally forgot the Friday Five! My bad. Pretend today is yesterday. Mkay? Mkay.

The rules, as usual… copy the questions, answer in your blog, post the linkydoo here. Or answer them in the comments, I don’t care. JUST ANSWER! Ready? GO!

1. What television series finale did you particularly enjoy?
2. What television series finale did you think was a disservice to the series as a whole?
3. What is your favorite dessert?
4. What were the circumstances surrounding your most dramatic exit from a room?
5. If you could choose any symbolic way to end 2009, how would you end it?

It’s Monday, again. How does that keep happening?

Thankfully it is a short week, because the last few weeks have been long and hectic and busy. Which I love, but it makes me crave some good old fashioned slow time. Here’s to hoping it will be quiet and peaceful. Boss is at our TX location this week and then off Wed-end of the week, so there’s a good chance of that. Yay.

So, some thoughts. Instead of spewing them all over twitter, I’ll just post them here. Then I can stop thinking them and go on with my life.

1. AMA’s missed them. On purpose. I dislike awards shows, mostly because I don’t have the attention span to sit through artists/comedians/actors I don’t know or recognize or don’t give a rip about. Also because Award shows have weird practices in which I rarely think the choices are genuine. Sometimes people win because of personal politics. Sometimes people win because it’s good PR.

And sometimes people win because they died — I’m looking at you Michael Joseph Jackson. I’m as big a fan as anyone, but what, exactly did MJ release this year that was worthy of being nominated let alone winning an AMA this year? Nothing. For example, the album that sold millions of copies this year was released in 2003. HOW is that eligible? That album can’t even register on the regular pop chart! Do I think it’s incredible that his music is still selling? YES. Do I miss his musical inspiration and do I feel we’ve lost a legend? Yes. Should his nomination and awards take away from artists who were busting their asses recording and touring while he wasn’t? No. Number Ones shouldn’t have even been eligible for nomination. Not to mention that there’s so much fanfare, now that he’s gone, that he would have loved to see when he was alive. It’s a shame that we don’t honor people more in life. We wait till they’re dead and then heap meaningless awards on them.

While I’m on the AMA’s, lemme just say– I’m not a Taylor Swift fan at all. She reminds me of debut Avril Lavigne, all in the voice. In fact, I heard her song on the radio once and asked V when Avril was going to stop singing about high school, so don’t think this rant is about her musical talent. I’m SICK of reading how Taylor needs to thank Kanye for all of her exposure. Taylor doesn’t need to thank Kanye for ****. She had ALREADY WON THAT AWARD when he showed his ass. She had already been on Ellen, had already sold millions of albums, had already topped the country charts. Let’s not reward Kanye’s assholish behavior by saying he made her a star– she already WAS one. I’ve never seen more grace under fire than I’ve seen from Taylor, so people who are on her behind need to back the truck up. Cause I said so!

2. I think I am going to go on a diet. Stop laughing! Really. So here’s the deal: I always manage to lose about 15 lbs between Nov and the beginning of the year, because I’m not that big of a holiday food eater. I’ll have a plate or two over the entire season, but I can’t handle days on end of turkey and stuffing and potatoes and gravy, and then pies and cakes and cookies and candy– I just can’t do it. I’m not a holiday eater, really.  

I think I am either going to have to figure out a way to tie myself to the bandwagon, or accept myself as fat and move on to being great in some other way. Maybe I will never see a single digit size in my lifetime. Maybe I will never be svelte and thin. Maybe I will always have ‘too much junk in the trunk’ and ‘too much booty in the pants’.  But then I look at myself and know that I have issues with how much weight I am carrying. I don’t like what I see and I don’t want to be here. I, however, can’t figure out a way to keep myself committed to healthy eating.

I was chatting about this topic with Skinnyemmie’s Emily Sandford last week. She was in Atlanta for work, and it was wonderful to put a face to a name that I’ve been talking to online for such a long time. She said, and it really resonated with me, “If you’re not ready to do it, it won’t stick. So don’t waste your time. Eat what you want and enjoy it. When you’re ready, it’ll happen.” I’m trying to decide if I’m ready.

3. Uhm. Is anyone aware that November 30th is NEXT WEEK?  What is November 30th, you ask? Have you not been paying any attention to me at all?

NaNoWriMo ends Nov 30th. By that point, all participants will have been expected to achieve at least a 50,000 word count and, best case scenario a finished piece. I passed the 50K mark on November 15th. I have not, however, finished my piece. Honestly I would say I’m just over halfway done. I realized that I was unable to move on because my story is missing a big chunk called………STORY. I was trying to skip a chunk of time in my storyline. It didn’t work. So I spent the weekend writing some filler– in fact I still have half a chapter of filler to write. Since I’ve already hit 50K, I haven’t really followed the ‘don’t edit, just write’ rule. At this point, I want it to make sense and not end lame. So, it would appear that I have 7 days to make that happen in order to meet my own deadline. Wow.

Uh. I hope I make it.

So, since I have work to do, I guess I will stop ranting and get to work. And by work I mean writing. I love when Boss is out!

It’s time for the Friday Five, ya’ll! Welcome !

Wanna have some fun? Join in, it’s easy! Just copy these questions to your webspace. Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below so we can all check out your responses. Please don’t forget to link me!

Turkey Time

1. Where do you usually celebrate Thanksgiving? Do you host or visit someone
else?

2. How formal or informal is your celebration? Do you dress for dinner?

3. What time do you eat? Do you go more for a brunch/lunch or a dinnertime
celebration?

4. What traditions do you observe?

5. What are you doing for the Friday after the holiday this year?

(I’ll answer in the comments)

Remember this scene, from Office Space?

I’m feelin’ some kinda way like that, with regard to this little space I call my online home. I SO want to blog. I really want to be deep and introspective, and I want to say things that people repeat, and I want to affect lives and bring change or at least bring some laughs and let people know they aren’t alone and aren’t (totally) nuts.

Blog posts write themselves in my head, all day. Sometimes I say things out loud, in the car or at work and think ‘man, I should blog that’. I just never get around to  it. And then I get here and I can’t think of a damn thing to say. And then I look and see when was the last time I had anything to say, and it’s been so long that I simply confirm to myself that I have nothing to say, and close the page.

I can’t bring myself to get rid of this blog, though. I really feel like I need to put effort toward putting my feelings out there, saying my piece, speaking my mind.

So, maybe a list:

1. I like my job but I’m worried about it. Constantly. There are no signs that I’m losing my job, or anything. My boss seems to like me, a lot. I feel empowered and valued and valuable. I just…. I worry all the time about things like this.

2. The ‘Maintenance Required’ light is already on, in the car. What in the effing eff? It better not be expensive. I haven’t even NAMED the car. Just made my first car payment and my first increased insurance payment (the diff between insurance on the hooptie and the newbie), finally got my plate and tags n’ such on. She is officially MINE. I don’t want no trouble!

3.  Johnny Depp is the Sexiest Man Alive? Really? Sorry kids, I love Johnny but he always looks like he needs a shower, to me. Just my opinion, but he’s aight. I do have much different tastes than most of the people I know, though.

4.  Sammy Sosa and his excuse that he used a moisturizing cream and it lightened his skin can kick rocks. Like I said the other day on twitter:  I love me some Bon Jovi and Duran Duran and Nsync. I also love my color and my heritage and my culture. The TODAY show did a special on people who lighten their skin, on purpose.  I’m pretty sure I’m naive on this front (and many others)  but OHMYGOD, PEOPLE DO THIS ON PURPOSE? Because they don’t want to be “dark”?  I just… I can’t.

5. Mothers who sell their children into prostitution for drugs who are now HIV positive and pregnant… I can’t. I cannot listen to a word of what was done to precious Shaniya. I’m devastated whenever a child is missing and then found dead. My heart just cries at the thought. I want everyone who even thought of being involved to burn in hell. >insert Sam Jackson face from a Time to Kill.

6. I’m doing NaNoWriMo. This stands for National Novel Writing Month. I hit the minimum 50,000 word goal. I haven’t finished the story. When I finish it, I’ll let ya’ll know. I’d say it’s about 50 to 60 % done, and since I hit the word goal I’m already a WINNAH so I don’t feel a ton of pressure to finish the thing in November. Though I do really want to.  Oh, you want a synopsis? Well. *blush*.  Alright.

My story is called Same Time Next Week and it is loosely based on the film Same Time NextYear, about an adulterous couple who meet one weekend a year for 26 years. Except my story is about a couple who meet once a week, who are both running away from something and use each other to escape. They have every intention of keeping it casual– outside of the one day a week they get together, they don’t talk or text or spend time with each other. They let things build and then spend their time together— together. The more time they spend with each other, the closer they get and the more they want something more than casual, but there are secrets  that have to be told and pasts that have to be faced and bared in order for that to happen. Neither side is willing to trust completely and risk the other not accepting them for who they truly are. What could turn into a perfect match is threatened when one secret explodes into existence in the worst way possible. Will a shocking revelation tear them apart, or bring them together? Dun dun duuunnnnn. Yeah, I dunno. I’ll let ya’ll know when it’s done.

7. I haven’t lost any weight. I haven’t been back to any of the dance classes. I’m lazy and a slacker. I haven’t gained any weight, but I haven’t lost any either. I’m seriously considering getting some kind of help. I don’t know what kind, but it doesn’t involve surgery. And really, I’m just going to be blunt. I don’t want suggestions.

8. I MAY be addicted to Twitter. Here’s the thing: I don’t really care. So, there it is.

9. I don’t date. The reasons are varied and various and I just don’t have the energy to go into it right now, but that will be a future blog post. Maybe. Meh. I doubt anyone is concerned about why an overweight nerdy homebody doesn’t date… seems like that question answers itself, doesn’t it?

10. I’m following a couple of cool chicks on twitter, who blog, so I wanna pimp ‘em because I love them. They make me want to be a better blogger:

Mocha Momma

Tex in the City

The Bloggess

The Single Dame (for the grown and sexy, only! )

okay. My boss is like ‘do this, do that, wake up,’ and stuff, so I’m out. Have a super day, blog and COMMENT. I want to know what you think about what I think and we can talk and discuss. What do you want to hear about? Do you like me? Do you think I’m pretty?

You don’t have to answer the last two. I’m just playin’.

Unless you’re gonna do it……..